Nymphomaniac Convention

A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees a most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat. A wave of nervous anticipation washes over him. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "Business trip or vacation?".

"Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago," she states. Whoa!!! He swallows hard and is instantly crazed with excitement. Here's the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting RIGHT next to him and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer", she says. "I use my experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really," he says, swallowing hard, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explains, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Greek descent." Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!".

"Tonto," the man says, as he extends his hand. "Tonto Papadopoulos"

Dinner Party

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They ended up spending the night together.

At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no! My wife's dinner party!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with his very angry wife standing in the doorway, wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails, and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!"

The Milkman

The milkman was doing his weekly collection of the milk money one evening, when he rang the doorbell of number 6. At first there was no answer, so he rang again. After a few minutes a teenage boy came to the door dressed only in a pair of boxer shorts with a bottle of beer in one hand, a cigar in his mouth, and what looked like a couple of prostitutes, one under each arm.

The milkman was a bit taken aback, but after a pause said "Excuse me sonny, but are either of your parents in?"

The boy took the cigar out of his mouth with his free hand, blew a big puff of smoke, and replied "Does it f***ing look like it?"

The Tunnel

A Scotsman an Englishman, a hot blonde and a fat brunette get on the subway. They go into a tunnel and the lights go out, and suddenly they all hear a loud slap. When the lights come on, the Englishman has a big red handprint on his face.

The blonde thinks: "Oh, the Englishman must have made a move for me, but fondled that fat woman by mistake and she slapped him."

The fat woman thinks: "Hmm, that Englishman tried to put the moves on that blonde and got slapped. Good for her."

The Englishman thinks: "Hey, that Scotsman must have went for the blonde, and she slapped me by mistake!".

The Scotsman thinks: "Boy, I hope we go through another tunnel soon, so I can wallop that English bastard again."

Train Set

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get your arse in the train, cause we're going down the tracks".

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the c*nt in the kitchen."

The Magic of Toilet Paper

A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full-length mirror.  This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks.

One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small. Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks. "They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies. The wife stops and asks, "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"

The husband shrugs, "Why not, it worked for your arse, didn't it?"

James Bond

James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", drawls 007, "Q's jusht given me this shtate-of-the-art watch and I was jusht teshting it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it shays you're not wearing any knickersh...."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing knickers!"

Bond tuts, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fasht."

A History of Teaching Maths

Teaching Maths in 1950:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for £100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

Teaching Maths in 1960:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for £100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or £80. What is his profit?

Teaching Maths in 1970:

A logger exchanges a set L of lumber for a set M of money. The cardinality of set M is 100.  Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set M. The set C, the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than set M.  Represent the set C as a subset of set M and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set P of profits?

Teaching Maths in 1980:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for £100. His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

Teaching Maths in 1990:

By cutting down beautiful trees, the logger makes £20. What do you think of this way of making a living?

Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees? There are no wrong answers.

Teaching Maths in 2000:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for £100. His cost of production is £120.  How does Arthur Andersen determine that his profit margin is £60?

Long Live the Pope

The Pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors, all of whom could not figure out how to cure him.  Finally he was brought to an old physician, who stated that he could figure it out. After about an hour's examination he came out and told the cardinals that he knew what was wrong.

He said that the bad news was that it was a rare disorder of the testicles.  He said that the goods news was that all the pope had to do to be cured was to have sex.

Well, this was not good news to the cardinals, who argued about it at length. Finally they went to the pope with the doctor and explained the situation. After some thought, the pope stated, "I agree, but under four conditions." The cardinals were amazed and there arose quite an uproar. Over all of the noise there arose a single voice that asked, "And what are the four conditions?"

The room stilled. There was a long pause...

The pope replied, "First the girl must be blind, so that she cannot see with whom she is having sex. "Second, she must be deaf, so that she cannot hear with whom she is having sex. "And third she must be dumb so that if somehow she figures out with who she is having sex, she can tell no one."

After another long pause a voice arose and asked, "And the fourth condition?"

The pope smiled and replied, "Big tits."