1) Have you ever seen an anorexic Mormon? No, it just does not happen. We eat at every possible opportunity. We eat at baptisms, firesides and the 101 activities we simply devise just so we can chow down together. Though we love all food, we really love casserole and jello. In fact, the bishopric is immediately notified should there not be casserole and jello on hand at any church sponsored event, He then gets on the phone to Utah, talks to the Prophet, its a whole thing. People get ex-communicated. Rule number one of being a Mormon-thou must always serve casserole and jello at all functions. [P.S. Last night the singles sponsored a karoake/movie night do you know what people complained about? Not enough food? Do you know what we forgot to bring-casserole and jello! Mostly because we thought the other people would. Oh yeah, was not a pretty sight]
2) It is a lay church. Which means my tithing money is not going to buy a Benz for the pastor of my church. No one gets paid and everyone helps out. Because no money changes hands it makes everyone’s service that much more valuable. Because you know people are doing it because they want to and not because they are being paid.
Got to love those tithers!
3) We’re the original feminist. Joseph organized Relief Society with his wife Emma Smith as its first President back in 1842 on March 17th. Since then we have become not only the largest women’s organization in the world but the oldest. Before there was NOW (or as I like to call them the Nearly Obsolete Women or Naturally Obnoxious Women) there was Relief Society. As part of the fastest growing church, we are part of the fastest growing women’s organization.
Emma Smith
4) They don’t convert dumb people. If you look at our church, especially in my ward, the men are mostly lawyers, the women mostly teachers. Education is highly valued in the church, for both men and women. We don’t see education as something someone should do to make a buck but to enrich their lives and further their knowledge. The church expects both men and women to read the scriptures, learn the Gospel and the history of the church. They expect you to teach classes, give talks, things you can’t do if you a moron.
5) Because I don’t have to explain why I don’t drink anymore. Even before the church, I didn’t drink due to my epilepsy. You would be surprised how many people have not heard of epilepsy. So then there was a ten minute discussion about the finer point of seizures. Now, I simply say because I’m Mormon and end of discussion. They may not what epilepsy is but they know what a Mormon is.
6) Because with all the hatred towards Mormons today, it makes it real easy to know who my friends are. It also makes it easier to identify the clearly certifiably insane people as well. All I have to say is three little words, “I’m a Mormon” and watch the insanity fly! It is also kind of fun to watch other Christians get worked up because I don’t think God, Jesus and the Holy Ghost are all meshed together as one. Hello, I thought we were talking about deities here, not thousand island dressing!
7) Lastly, I love being Mormon because they are some of the best people I have ever met in my life. They are loyal, generous, loving, supportive, courageous, and generally good-hearted people. I consider myself lucky that I can count myself among these valiant servants. They are a true representation of the love of Christ. But mostly it is that casserole and jello thing.
Blacknright's Weblog 
I left a comment on Smart Girl, now I know why I like you!! On top of being a fantastically funny and articulate woman, you are also Mormon! Funny post. Love it. Here’s how it played out in my head:
Discussion #1:
Q: “Why don’t you drink?”
A: Epilepsy.
Q”What? Epileptics can’t drink? Why?”
Discussion #2:
Q: “Why don’t you drink?”
A: Mormon.
Q: “Oh. Gotta go.”
LOL. Great stuff and yeah it pretty much goes the way you said. My son told me awhile back he didn’t want to be Mormon. When I pressed him about why he didn’t he said because he wanted to drink coffee. Kids! They are the funniest people on the planet. And for awhile there he thought anyone who didn’t drink coffee was Mormon, so if you were a newborn baby but were not kicking back lattes right out of the womb, you were a Mormon. LOL
blacknright:
I completely understand where you are coming from w/your son. I had left the Church for a while, and as a consequence my young son and the next youngest weren’t active, (it never seemed a problem w/the girls… just goes to show that women are made of sterner stuff[grin]). I was the “black sheep” of our family, and didn’t understand the Gospel as well as I could have. When my confusion cleared, and I had returned to being an active member, I was concerned that my 2 youngest would be lost.
My second youngest (The Workaholic) had an epithany after leaving home, and quit a $150k job to go on a Mission at 22.
My youngest son, (The Quiet One) had joined the Marines. Three years ago he called me at work. My first reaction when I picked up the phone was “what has happened, is he alright?” As I said “Hello, Son!” He simply said: “Dad, my Orders are cut: my tour is up, and The Lord has said that I must go on a Mission.” Cleaning up his personal affairs took about 18mo. and he was sent to the San Francisco Mission. He’s now almost at the midpoint of his Mission. Because of his USMC tatoo, he can’t wear short-sleeve shirts when its hot (“Consequences, Dad! I should’ve listened to the Prophets!”), but at 27 he’s one of the “more settled” Elders, and that has been a Blessing during the current turmoils.
Just keep being an example. Although he might never say it, I’m certain it was the example set by his older brothers that helped him back. I’m certain your example for your son, along with prayer, will eventually soften his heart and allow him to come to the Church!
Wow, that was wordy of me, huh?
I should’ve put that my son was four when he uttered he didn’t want to be a Mormon so he could drink coffee. He is actually very fond of church. And I am so happy to hear that your sons came back to the church. I was baptized when I was 28 but my testimony wasn’t strong enough and I ended up leaving the church for about five years. When I got pregnant with my son, I came back determined to be there for him. I have been active ever since. I like to tell missionaries my story because I think it gives them hope. That even when it seems like you have lost one-we will remember what we were taught and come home. It sounds like your sons are also testimony of this fact. It is terrific both of them have decided to go on mission. I want to get married and be sealed in the temple one day mostly so I can go on a senior mission with my husband. I think that would be absolutely wonderful. I hope God will answer this righteous prayer. Thank you for sharing your story with me. I appreciate the time you took to write it.
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Much like the other prophets Mohhamed (polygamy/superiority over women/misogyny) and Jesus (forgiveness/savior), the gods use me for temptation as well. In today’s modern society they feel people are most weak for popular culture/sensationalism, and the clues date back to WorldWarII and Unit731:TSUSHOGO, the Chinese Holocaust. They used this Situation to bury Japanese atrocities.
It has been discussed that, similar to the Matrix concept, the gods will offer a REAL “Second Coming of Christ”, while the “fake” Second Coming will come at the end and follow New Testiment scripture and their xtian positioning. I may be that real Second Coming.
What I teach is the god’s true way. It is what is expected of people, and only those who follow this truth will be eligible to ascend into heaven as children in a future life. They offered this event because the masses have just enough time to work on and fix their relationship with the gods and ascend, to move and grow past Planet Earth, before the obligatory xtian “consolation prize” of “1000 years with Jesus on Earth” begins.
The Prince of Darkness, battling the gods over the souls of the Damned.
It is the gods who have created this environment and led people into Damnation with temptation. The god’s positioning proves they work to prevent people’s understanding.
How often is xtian dogma wrong? Expect it is about the Lucifer issue as well.
The fallen god, fighting for justice for the disfavored, banished to Earth as the fallen angel?
I believe much as the Noah’s Flood event, the end of the world will be initiated by revelry among the people. It will be positioned to be sanctioned by the gods and led for “1000 years with Jesus on Earth”.
In light of modern developments this can entail many pleasures:::Medicine “cures” aging, the “manufacture” of incredible beauty via cloning as sex slaves, free (synthetic) cocaine, etc.
Somewhere during the 1000 years the party will start to “die off”, literally. Only those who maintain chaste, pure lifestyles, resisting these temptations, will survive the 1000 years. Condemned to experience another epoch of planet’s history for their ignorant pursuit of xtianity, they will be the candidates used to (re)colonize (the next) Planet Earth, condemned to relive the misery experienced by the peasantry during history due to their failure to ascend into heaven before the Apocalypse.
Never forget:::It is not a house of Jesus.
If this concept of Lucifer is true another role of this individual may be to initiate disfavor and temptation among this new poulation, the proverbial “apple” of this Garden of Eden. A crucial figure in the history of any planet, he begins the process of deterioration and decay that leads civilizations to where Planet Earth remains today.
Which one is it?:
One transitions into the other, allowing the gods to wash their hands of obligation to their Chosen One. My personal “consolation prize”.
And since the gods never committed despite tens of billions in mass media, product development and natural disasters/tragedy they will employ the freedom they positioned into the Situation and CHEAT me out of everything.
For those who would listen I was used to assist people to rapidly increase their understanding of this system. Unfortunate for me, the gods can claim they never intended this, abjectly disfavored/evil individuals learning and perhaps changing, despite being control freaks who guide everything specifically and have the power to force it with AI, and now they are free to fuck my brains out subsequently. Lucky me.
Consistant with “reverse positioning” understand the REAL Second Coming would equate with The Matrix’s Anti-Christ, the fake battle of good and evil which will come at the end.
I have spoken on this issue in years past. Understanding how they use the political encviornment to redefine people’s value system, realize anyone who speaks of the old world and its ways will envoke hatred. So when/if the Anti-Christ comes along speaking of reverting back to what liberalism would consider repressed and immoral it may be the only hope to salvage the god’s favor and keep moving forward rather than begin the 1000 year clock. The fake Second Coming will feed into this political environment.