it’s funny how the mind can play tricks on you. Writing “21 years” was not as bad as writing “20 years” last year, despite it meaning that yet another year has passed since Deb’s smile has been seen, her laugh heard or her warm hug felt.

Time is a funny thing. Some things that have happened can seem like yesterday, whilst others a life time ago. I wrote in 2013 that I don’t subscribe to time being a healer and I still believe that. Whilst we don’t heal from tragedy it does create a benchmark for how bad life can be. This benchmark is an unwavering reminder what you have dealt with or are dealing with. It helps put all future struggles and challenges into a measurable comparison but can also provide incentive to keep going. The number of times I have said to myself, or others, “it’s not as bad as 2003”, or “we have known much worse than this”, or “I got through 2003, I can get through this”. Our benchmarks change as we grow older but they are always a useful barometer to remind us what we are capable of. As a child, it might be losing or breaking a special toy. As a teen, it could be the process of mending a broken heart from breaking up with our first love, or dealing with our parents divorce. Then as we get older, we eventually deal with the inevitable loss incurred by the death of a loved one. Benchmarks are a part of life but can be a positive tool to help us each and every day. That is how I try to positively look at Deb’s passing. Even in death she is helping each and every day.

The past year has been so hard for so many. The cost of living has gone up so much that some people and families are having to choose to “heat or eat”. Lots of companies are cutting costs, striping back on paid services and making staff redundant. This all adds to the spiralling stress and anxiety being felt by so many. This is over and above “normal” life being lived – juggling work, kids, parents, homes or people we care about getting sick. Some would say these are all first world problems. And yes whilst they are compared to those living in the likes of Israel, Gaza, Ukraine or the Russia border right now, remember we are lucky enough not to live in a war zone. For sure it’s always good to have a healthy perspective on things, especially our own lives but don’t minimise what you are dealing with right now because other people in this World have it much harder than yourself. That perspective is healthy like I say but it doesn’t stop the bill from needing to be paid, or loved ones getting sick – all very real challenges we face every day. That minimising or even denying eventually leads to greater problems. Instead use your benchmark to help keep moving forward, getting you through things. Thanks Debs for being mine!

Whilst on the subject of benchmarks, perspective and time. I understand all too well how challenging life can be but please know it’s always so lovely to get messages about how something has reminded you about Debs. Thank you for taking the time and effort and continuing to share them with me or mum. These reminders are not necessarily linked to a certain date each year. Of course it means a lot when you do reach out on those poignant dates, but what is more important when something, at some point, triggers you to remember Debs, is that hold her in your mind and heart for a moment or two………

Thanks to everyone who reads this and cares.

Until next year. DING! x

Can it really be true? Am I really writing that – 20 years? When I look back, its hard to believe its been that long, especially because, at the time, I didn’t know how I would get through the next day, let alone 20 years!

20 years is a major milestone for anything in life, but to consider not having had the light, the fun, the smile, the friendship, the loyalty and more that Debs gave to so many, selflessly, is nothing short of just plain sad. It wont be too many years in the future, and we all will have lived in a World where Debs has been gone, longer than she was here. That is just depressing.

I have talked before about trying to make the memories and reminders a positive thing. I’m glad to say that is working about 90% of the time. There are still times when I am caught off guard and for a split second, I get sad. But that’s ok. I am human after all. So I give my self that moment to feel the emotions, to be conscious of them and in a twisted way, understand that I am only feeling that because of how special Debs was. As the saying goes, grief is the price we pay to have loved someone so deeply.

I thought it was interesting to consider what Debs would have made of the World a few years ago when we were locked down due to Covid. For some it was, and still is, a nightmare. For Deb’s I think it would have been a blessing. Like I did with my family, I think she would have treated it like a surprise gift that she had to spend time with her nearest and dearest. But then fast forward to today, and the World is a very different place – yet again.

How would Debs be coping today with the cost of living, the war, the social unrest etc etc etc…….. well I think she would say “F*!k them and f*!k it. I am still being me. I am still going to look after my family. I am still going to see my friends. I am still going to love and laugh like I always do.” I saw every possible side to Debs over the years. Some amazing, some not so, and some I want to forget. But how I remember Debs is her head thrown back in loud, outrageous laughter with her arms holding her stomach as the laughing starts to hurt. I remember her being supportive, kind and caring. And I remember her putting those that meant the most to her, first.

We all need to be a little more like Debs in our lives and if there were more people like her in this World, it would definitely be a much kinder, safer and caring place in which to bring up our children. Whatever life’s journey throws at you over the next 12 months, I hope you catch yourself at times, laughing so hard your stomach hurts – I am sure Debs will be laughing with you!

Finally, thanks to everyone who continues to remember Debs as well as those who send me and mum the odd message.

Take care

Ding! x

This year seems to have come around quicker than any other I can remember. But yet when I attempt to think about what actually happened in the last 12 months, I pull a blank. Perhaps its a product of the pandemic, perhaps its my age creeping up through the numbers, perhaps its just because my mind is trying to stop me remembering everything.

Its not a surprise really as the last year has seen a few things I would rather forget. The first anniversary of a dear friend’s death, a number of old school friends finding out they have life changing or terminal illnesses and a few operations that mum had to go through. All in all, a year to forget.

However I still have a lot to be grateful for. My family are all well, we have a roof over our head and have had many moments with side-splitting laughs. We were able to spend Christmas with loved ones again, we had a summer that was just wonderful and we really relished in the times we all spent together making memories.

I’m not proud to admit that I have caught myself getting angry this past 12 months that my sister is not with me. Does the stupid bitch woman who was illegally driving on the motorway ever think about the accident she caused? Does the man driving the van that hit and killed Debs ever think about that 27 year old girl? I thought I had got over this but every now again it rears its ugly head and I don’t like it. I don’t like it because the deep sadness always follows. I always carry sadness with me, every single day of the past 19 years but its manageable. Like an ache that you know is there but can ignore most of the time until you aggravate it. Then it becomes your sole focus for a period of time.

I balance this out by trying to think about how Debs would want me to be living my life. This then leads to me wondering how Debs would be living her life. And this is a double edged sword. On the one hand it messes with your mind because 19 years is a long time and there is no telling how Debs would be living now. There is no telling how she would feel. How she would be. Who she would be. Where she would be. Would she still be the tempestuous, firey, strong, determined, opinionated, loving, passionate, caring, fun human being she was at 27? Who knows? But the positive side of that sword is we can all create the image of Debs that resonates with us most. The Debs who touched our lives and left her imprint. The Debs who we carry with us and use at times of need, doubt, challenge or choice.

No matter what your memory, no matter the imprint left behind. Debs changed everyone’s life who were blessed to spend time with her. What an incredible legacy! I feel a little sorry for anyone that was not blessed to have that very special gift!

So what will the next 12 months bring? When I am writing this on the 20th anniversary, what will I be saying I wonder. When I consider a year ahead, I tend to use words to define my goals. In 2021, legacy was one of my words. However, I am a long way from creating one so I have carried it forward into 2022. Just as my Debs had a wonderful legacy, I aim to set the wheels in the motion for my own.

Whatever you end up doing in the next 12 months, I hope its done with a smile, a full heart, your loved ones close by and a few thoughts of Debs who you know will be along for the ride.

Take care.

Ding!

Writing the title to this was tough. I cant believe its been 18 years. Thats a huge amount of time to not have Debs around. So much can happen and indeed has happened in 18 years. If I focus on the time she has not been here I can get myself into a very dark place, very quickly.

The past 12 months has been insane. I wonder what Debs would have made of the pandemic. Would she have obeyed all the restrictions? I would like to think by 2021, Debs would have been very happy, in love, with some kids. Debs loved children so this is an easy thought to imagine. I do think Debs would have challenged some of the ridiculous messaging that has come out in the wake of the virus but so long as the kids were put first, I think Debs would be ok.

Being “ok” is not something that has come easy to so many people this past year. Too many have had their lives turned upside down thanks to Covid…..losing businesses…..losing jobs…..losing homes…..losing loved ones. As a family, thankfully, the worst we have had to deal with is not seeing certain people, like my own mother (until they allowed bubbles) or Zoe’s parents who live all the way in Devon. And like so many others, having a very different Christmas and New Year to what was planned. But I do consider us lucky as we have not had anyone sick, our income has been reduced but consistent, and we have had so much more time together with the kids that I have loved.

In years gone by I have talked about turning the reminders of Debs into a positive rather than a negative. This past year I have used my experiences of grief (I have lost too many people its crazy) to help others grieving via free Zoom calls that I host. Through the power of social media the group has grown to over 3,000 people and I regularly get 40,50,60 people registering to join the almost-weekly calls. If I had not had to deal with losing my dad, my sister, my grandparents and countless friends (the last of which was in September), I would not be able to help others. Old age, cancer, suicide, addiction, road traffic accidents, heart attacks……all causes of deaths that I can talk first hand about. So because of all this, my negatives in life are now positives for others.

People still remember Debs and that is so heartwarming. Whether it is on social media, to me or mum in person, via a text or a call…..its all so lovely. 18 years on, to still be in people’s minds and memories is testimony to the amazing person she was. Thank you everyone who does!

For now, please look after yourselves, stay safe and keep well.

DING x

When I sit down to write these pages, it always takes me a minute to catch my breath and thoughts after writing the title….. it is shocking how long Deb’s has been gone.  There is no other word for it.  After the shock comes the sadness because reflection is a natural thing for the mind to do and I realise how much she has missed experiencing.  How much has happened that she has not been a part of.  One such “moment” happened in this, the 17th year without Debs.

September was a special number birthday for mum.  Family and friends came from far and wide to help celebrate this lady.  It was a lovely occasion but tainted with sadness  due to a number of reasons, not least because there were so many people missing.  Debs was not there.  My dad was not there.  One of my mum’s brothers was not there (due to travel issues not death thankfully).  This was also the first family celebration and indeed the first time the family had cause to be together since my grandfather passed away.  His birthday was always in the calendar as a non-negotiable, must attend event and speaking for my kids and Zoe, we would never have missed it, wherever it was in the World.  My grandmother was also not there.  What most people do not know, is that my grandmother – mum’s mum – died on the 19th February, 1 day before Debs.  So when you couple this with my sister’s birthday and her anniversary, February really is a shitty month – especially for mum!

So the past 12 months I have found myself saying “I wish Debs was here”, I think more than ever before.  Debs, whilst she could be emotional, that emotion stemmed from a core belief, an instinct to love, be loyal and to protect.  A drive to ensure justice or in plain terms, stick up for what was right.  I have only met a few people in my life who are as loyal as Debs was.  I have become far less tolerant of people who show their true colours – even once.  I will cut them off and forever keep them at a distance, never talking to them again.  One such person, a long term friend of the family is the most notable example in the past 12 months.  I have been asked not to say anything and even though I am finding it hard, I am respecting those wishes.  If Debs were here, she would have ignored that request of a loved one and given “both barrels”……Oh wow…..”I wish Debs was here”.  This person has totally ignored the feelings of someone they have professed to love and care about.  They have show themselves to be selfish, disloyal and unkind – three traits I cannot abide and I know Debs would detest.

Selfishness and a lack of kindness is so prevalent right now.  No matter where in the World you look, Society’s equilibrium is being challenged like never before.  There is more destruction and disruption going  on that we need to be closer to the ones we love.  We need to lean on our families to provide strength.  We need to focus on what matters.  In times gone by, whenever there was a dispute or challenge, the “tribe” would go and see the Elder who would provide words of wisdom, reassurance and strength.  Within our own “tribe” we should get closer to our families and loved ones for those same reassurances.  In moments of such angst, Debs would always crack a joke, or do something silly – she never took herself too seriously so this was a positive in my eyes.  But she would always stay true to her instincts – Love, loyalty and protect.

The key is kindness.  I am staggered by how much Brexit has divided otherwise good friends and loving families.  Now we have Coronavirus that is creating racism against kids as young as 4 and 5.  I am truly scared for the future generations of this planet, not least my own children.  We all need to be kind, loving and loyal towards each other, just like Debs was.  Oh how I wish Debs was here……..

So another year on and I am far more capable of being reminded of Debs and it creating a positive reaction rather than negative.  Still have a way to go but definitely getting there.  It’s funny how as kids grow they look like different people at different times.  Lucia is now 7 years old and it is uncanny how, at times, she is identical to Debs.  This is the only trigger that I cannot stop myself from getting sad over.  The resemblance is so real, its sometimes like Debs is with me again.  Oh how I wish Des was here……..

As always, thanks to those who have reached out to say hi and that they are thinking of Debs.  It means SO much.  Thanks to Kelly for sharing some old photos of Debs too.

Take care all and I hope you have a year filled with love, laughter and loyalty.

DING! X

 

 

As I wrote last year, I have been making a conscious effort to try and use every reminder of my sister to create a positive reaction rather than a negative one.  I signed off last year’s message with “after 15 years as a negative trigger, I wonder how long it will take to become a subconscious positive one……….lets see……….”  Well I can report it takes longer than a year.  If I am being honest, more often than not my subconscious reaction is still one of anger and negativity.  But I do catch myself though and then consciously turn it into a positive.  So its a step forward at least.

One thing I had not factored into my mental-realignment practice was the impact of other external events.  Particularly those related to loss and death.  Sadly my Grandfather passed away at the beginning of April last year and this brought with it all the same feelings and emotions that I had with Debs and my Dad before her.  It really does create a barrier to change.

My Grandfather was very similar to Debs in that they were both a force to reckoned with.  They could enter a room and the room felt different.  They would interact with people and you could see how those people were positively affected – I mean you could literally see how they would physically change – almost knowing they had been blessed to have spoken to that person.  Such was the strength of this affect that once the whirlwind of their entry had passed, it was even more obvious with the return to “normality” in the room.  There are not many people to have graced this World who can say the impact of them coming into and being in our lives  is as great and as defining as losing them from our lives!!!

After my Dad dying in 1999, my Grandfather became the most important man in my life.  To lose him has meant losing that icon once again.

So the past 12 months have presented these and other reasons to prevent the mental shift but that does not mean I wont keep trying.  I do want to get to the point where any reminder of Debs creates a warm and happy feeling inside me.  Lets see what happens in due course…….

I hope that the past 12 months has been kind to you and even though you have no doubt had challenges to overcome, that you feel stronger and/or wiser for having done so.

Thank you to all those who remember Debs, not just on poignant dates but anytime.  Thank you for reaching out with your memories, your photos or how someone did something that reminded you of…. or how you had wished Debs was there that time when…… Also thank you to the secret donation we received for the Charity (for the second year in a row).  This money will be going to a very good cause helping children in our local area!

Until next time, I hope you smile, laugh and love more today than you did yesterday!

DING! xxx

It’s been a busy year one way or another.  I launched a new business; we had the most incredible month away in LA, where we were able to take the grandparents away with us.  We rented an amazing house and created many memories for the kids, including granddad’s retirement/birthday with a stretched limo ride and dinner overlooking the ocean; But the highlight of the year is that Zoe and I have welcomed a new son – Sampson.

The trouble is that whilst all these lovely memories are being created, we can’t help but think about those people who are not with us.  It makes such moments very bitter sweet.  Such is the contrast of death and the grieving process, even in the midst of the waves of raw and brutal sadness and anger, one can have moments of feeling happy.  This cycle never stops.  I have come to learn that this is what life is like after the death of someone you love, someone irreplaceable.  Life goes on, but there is always that weight in your heart, emptiness in your stomach and thought in your head that the particular person is not there.

One of the worst decisions we made at the time of Debbie’s death was to spray her with her favourite perfume in the Chapel of Rest.  At the time it took away THAT smell (only people that have been in this situation will know what I’m talking about) and gave us comfort.  It was like, even as she lay there eyes closed, she still had her unique “Debbie Sparkle.”  At the time it worked.  However, fast forward 15 years and it’s a different experience.  Every time, since those few days in the Funeral home, that I smell “Angel”, I am taken back.  It reminds of everything negative, sad and depressing about those awful few months.  In an instant, I relive spraying her lifeless body with it.  I relive the day I drove to the hospital.  I relive the moment I saw her the first time and just fell to the floor.  I relive everything.

I find myself instantly hating (and I mean hating) those people who wear it.  Those people I have never met, who don’t deserve to be hated, get my worst side.  For the first few years after 2003, I comforted myself by thinking perfumes come and go and this will soon be unfashionable.  Well the opposite has happened, they have launched men’s editions, new ladies versions and they all have the underlying fragrance of ANGEL! FFS!

But I decided in January of this year, I cannot live like this.  I am the only person keeping this negativity fuelled.  I am the only person who thinks these thoughts that then creates the powerful emotions.  So I am working on myself to change it.  Instead of thinking negatively when I smell Angel, I stop and think a happy thought.  Like the fact that someone has crossed my path and created a moment when my sister has popped into the forefront of my mind.  This is very much a work in progress and my instant response is still HATE….but I do focus for a minute or so and say over and over again to myself “hello Debs”….. and then think of a positive thought.

After 15 years as a negative trigger, I wonder how long it will take to become a subconscious positive one………… lets see………

Until 2019, thanks for stopping by and reading this.

Take care of you, your own and each other.

DING!

Over the years there have been those people who tell us they remember Debs on her birthday. There are those who remember her on the anniversary of her death. There are those who remember her on both. Then there are those that will let us know they remember her whenever she pops into their heads during their day to day lives. Whenever it is, I can only say how grateful mum and I are that you take the time to let us know. We even received a large anonymous donation to the charity in memory of my sister recently – it would have been nice to be able to thank this person just as we thank those who write to us with their memories! In the absence of knowing who it was – thank you. All in all, it is very comforting to know that my sister is still remembered. After all she was quite memorable ;o)

Being a parent now, compared to when Debs died means there is little time to act on my own thoughts and feelings (all parents know this), especially when they are centred on sadness. I never want my children to have the burden of my own sadness (or any other emotion except happiness). I am always “great” when my children ask how my day was or how I am feeling. I often think about how differently I would have dealt with my sister dying had my children been alive at the time. It has also made me think about the immeasurable pain and loss my mum has had to deal with. However, even though my sister is gone, I am still here and she is still a parent. I could not imagine one of my children dying but I know if it did happen, I would make sure my other child had the most stress free, sadness-free life as possible. That starts with how I project and communicate my own feelings and actions.

This is one of the things I have learnt in becoming a parent and there are many lessons in life. My mum’s resilience and compassion comes from her mum, my grandmother. Sadly she was taken too early by cancer and I miss her dearly. Not only was she stunningly beautiful but she was the most incredibly strong woman – the epitome of a leader. Someone who provides strong support and guidance but never from the centre spotlight – “the invisible carer”. She supported her family and husband until the very end. Always with a smile. Always with dignity. Always with respect. My mum is exactly the same and those lessons are still being taught to me and now, my children.

Debs also left a few lessons to us all. Debs made the most of every situation, always seeing the fun that could be had. Debs never took life too seriously. Debs wore her heart on her sleeve and was never afraid to show her feelings. Debs loved with her whole heart. When Debs became sad or angry she had her moment and then let it go. Debs always had forgiveness and made amends with those nearest and dearest to her. I would give anything to see what a woman, and what a parent, Debs would have become.

We should all try and make sure we follow the lead from Debs on those few lessons. During the next 12 months, have your “down” moments but let them go. Forgive. Love. Smile and have fun.

Until 2017, thanks for stopping by and reading this.

Take care of you, your own and each other.

DING!

I wonder what Deb’s would be doing if she were still here? I wonder how many children she would have? Where she would be living? What job if any would have become her career? What colour would her hair be? Would she still only eat the drumsticks in a bucket of KFC? What car would she drive? How often would I be seeing her? Would my children love her like I do?

Over the previous 11 years, it has been amazing to see that people still remember my sister. I am sure lots of people do, but I am so grateful to those who actually reach out and say so. It’s not about a particular time of year and those significant dates, it can be at any time. Just taking that step to say “Debs popped into my mind”, or “I thought of Debs” is an amazing treasure for me and mum.

For anyone that has lost someone close, you will know how that person doesn’t leave your thoughts. I am still amazed (and saddened) when I watch something, hear something or feel something and think, albeit for a millisecond, I must call Debs and tell her (or my dad).

This is how, the true soul and spirit of person lives on – in our every day thoughts, in our hearts. Such that we instinctively think of them, without the reminder of a date.

Only those who were the most incredibly special leave such an indelible print on our hearts, on our minds, and on our lives!

I love you Debs xx

DING!

It is inconceivable to think I have been without my sister for that long. Yet in the same breath, the events of that day are like they were only yesterday. How can time and the feeling of its duration differ so vastly in a single breath? Mum and I have been focused on this anniversary, probably for the last couple to be honest. Its a milestone. 10 years is a milestone for most things in life. Birthdays – you are now in double figures. Weddings – you would be getting something in tin or aluminium to celebrate.

Whatever the length of time, whatever the occasion, there are some things that don’t change. I do not subscribe to the saying “time is a healer”. Frankly, time and its habit of not stopping, provides an unforgiving mechanism for escapism. Because we must carry on living, it prevents us from thinking and feeling the same things constantly and therefore provides a rest bite. It does not heal though!

For the second year, a few weeks ago, I put a picture of Debs on Facebook to mark her birthday! I have been overwhelmed by the number of responses from everyone still remembering, still thinking, still supporting, still missing Debs. I often wonder what Debs would be doing now, where would she be living, would she have kids?

The Memories Board is still published so please take a moment to add your entry.

From the bottom of my heart thank you! I thank you for taking those moments in your busy lives to remember Debs when something happens that reminds you of her, and a smile crosses your face! Creating a smile is a great legacy to have!

I love you Debs!

DING! x