Fox In the Hen House

I think I thought that once I reached Seattle everything would magically fall in to place. How naive of me. Everything still sucks. I’m slightly less stressed because I’m not working right now. But then that just makes me stress that there’s no money coming in. And I have two mortgages and a rent to pay – with the help of Right Guy and what’s left of my father’s bank account. The money situation is not dire but you never like to know that all that money is going out and hardly anything is coming in.

My house is finally on the market but then my HOA decided to get bitchy with me… AGAIN. The city took a little longer than usual to pick up some “bulky” items from my curb and the HOA had a conniption. That is the LAST thing I need right now. They make my blood boil. They have never been nice or even reasonable to deal with. In fact, the board president has publicly berated me twice. Maybe I shouldn’t have weaned myself off those anti-depressants and anti anxiety pills.

My father’s house is not yet officially on the market because the person I hired to clean it out has fallen behind. Most likely in order to collect more money for the job. This was all supposed to be taken care of while I was on the road. I could have had it done, for free, before I left. I had many people volunteer to help. But I had promised this person he could do it. And now it’s taking longer and costing more. That’s what I get for being nice.

Did I mention that I made that cross country road trip with my dead father’s ashes? No? Well… I may be cracking up a bit. I took him to see Custer’s Last Stand at Little Big Horn Battlefield. I thought he would like to see it. I’ve gotten very used to having his ashes around – something I NEVER thought I would do. I hope my brother can make up his mind soon about what to do with them or they’re going to become a shrine on my mantle. Which is something I never wanted and still don’t want. But the longer he stays with me the harder it will be to see him go. I think my brother is experiencing the opposite sensation. I guess we all grieve in our own ways.

Speaking of grieving… I am definitely NOT out of the anger stage. I was better for awhile but my fuse is still very very short these days. Everything pisses me off lately. And it didn’t help that I arrived in Seattle to find that Right Guy had completely hosed my computer. I had to reinstall windows. I assume he was looking at p*rn while I was away – which doesn’t bother me. Except that he should do it on his OWN computer which is a MAC and not screw up mine. 😛

And then there’s this FET cycle. With everything else going on I’m barely focused on it. I forgot my shot this morning. It doesn’t seem real. Except that I know that if it doesn’t work I will be devastated. In my current state there’s no other possible outcome in the event of failure. It simply doesn’t feel real. It is the weirdest cycle yet. I’m not obsessing over it since I have so many other things to deal with. Which is sort of good. But sort of bad. Maybe this was not a good idea. Maybe I’m still too stressed.

OK, I think I’m done venting. Thanks for letting me. As usual I feel like a whiner but I’m trying to cut myself some slack.