Latest Collection of Sexual Jokes

Sexual Jokes: A toast
John O'Riley was a member of an Irish Toast Masters Club and one evening at the local Irish Toast Masters meeting, a contest was held to see who could deliver the best toast. Well, John O'Riley won the contest for the best toast of the evening, "Here's To The Best Years o' Me Life, Spent Between The Legs o' Me Wife."

When John O'Riley arrived home his beautiful wife asked him how the Toast Masters meeting went and he said, "I won the contest for the best toast of the evening." His wife then asked him what his toast was, and he said, "Here's To The Best Years o' me Life, Spent in Church wi' me Wife." His wife then said, "Why John, that's so nice of you to include me in your Toast."

The next morning, Mrs. O'Riley was downtown shopping and ran into the local police man On the beat who was also at the Toast Masters meeting with John O'Riley. He said, "Hello Mrs. O'Riley, that was some great toast that your husband John gave at the Toast Masters meeting last evening. He won first prize."
"Yes, that's right," said Mrs. O'Riley, "but he wasn't quite honest with the facts: he's only been there twice, the first time he fell asleep and the second time they had to pull him out by the ears."


Sexual Jokes: 99 centsA young girl comes home to her mother's house and informs her that she is engaged to be married. She says, "Mother, he's wonderful. He's rich beyond our wildest dreams. He has homes in the south of France, Beverly Hills, New York, and about a dozen other cities. He has a 200 ft yacht, Ferraris, Rolls Royces, and a jet airplane. There is only one problem....he says he really likes anal sex, and I know how you feel about that"

The mother says, "Well I don't know dear. I'm only thinking of your happiness. I'm not sure a man like this will make you happy".

The daughter replies, "Yes but if I marry him, you will never want for another thing as long as you live."

The mother considers this and finally agrees to allow them to marry.

They are married shortly thereafter and go off to their honeymoon. During their honeymoon the mother receives a new house, a new car, and a sizeable pension every month from her new son-in-law.

Six months later the daughter returns from her honeymoon and she is mad as hell. She fumes, kicks furniture and swears she wants a divorce. Her mother asks her why she is so angry.
"Mother, I want a divorce. The man is an animal. All he ever wants is anal sex. All day, every day. It's constant. Mother do you know that before I was married, my sphincter was the size of a penny, and now it's as big as a silver dollar!"
The mother considers this for a minute and says, "I think you should reconsider dear. Do you really want me to give all this up for a measly 99 cents?"

Sexual Jokes: Fullfillment
A mother had three daughters and, on their wedding, she tells each one to write back about their married life.
To avoid possible embarrassment to their new husbands by openly discussing their love lives, the mother and daughters agree to use newspaper advertisements as a "code" to let the mother know how their love lives are going.
The first one gets married and the second day the letter arrives with a single message, simply: "MAXWELL COFFEE HOUSE." Mother got the newspaper and checked the Maxwell Coffee House advertisement, and it says: "Satisfaction to the last drop..." So, Mother is happy.

Then the second daughter gets married. After a week, there was a message that reads: "ROTHMAN'S MATTRESSES." So, the Mother looks at the Rothman's Mattresses ad, and it says: "FULL SIZE, KING SIZE." And Mother is happy.

Then it was the third one's wedding.
Mother was anxious. After four weeks came the message: "BRITISH AIRWAYS." And mother looks into the British Airways ad, but this time she fainted.
The ad reads: "THREE TIMES A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, BOTH WAYS."

Sexual Jokes: Almost made love every night

A 70-year-old man has never been married. One day he meets a beautiful 17-year-old girl, and it is love at first sight. They get married and go to Florida for their honeymoon. When they get back, his friend says to him, "So, tell me, how was it?"
"Oh, it was beautiful," says the man. "The sun, the surf, we made love almost every night, we..."
His friend interrupts him. "A man your age! How did you make love almost every night?"
"Oh," says the man, "we almost made love Monday, we almost made love Tuesday..."
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Sexual Jokes: Coffins and Rubbers

Q. What does a coffin and a rubber have in common?
A. They both hold stiffs.
Q. What is the difference between a coffin and a rubber.
A. Ones coming and the other is going.

Sexual Jokes: Indian names

A little indian brave got curious one day, and asked his father how indians got their names.
"Well, If a big earthquake happens while the parents are making the baby, the little brave will be known as Shaking-ground", he replied sternly.
"If little brave is made while great flood is sweeping through the land, his name would be Running-water", he stated again.
"Now do you understand Broken-rubber?"

Sexual Jokes: Beautiful

One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands for who could use the word "beautiful" twice in the same sentence.
First, she called on Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
"My mommy got a beautiful bouquet and it looked beautiful", and the teacher said "That is very good".
Then the teacher called on Little Johnny. "Last night my sister said to my father that she had a period and he said, BEAUTIFUL THAT IS JUST FUCKING BEAUTIFUL!"
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Sexual Jokes: Jack off
If Jack was stuck on a roof, would you help Jack off?
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Sexual Jokes: Don't talk with your mouth full

There was a father who was very proud of his three daughters. Every night he took a stroll around the house to make sure everything was all right.
One night when he was doing his stroll, he could hear laughter coming from his youngest daughter's room.
He stood there for a while and thought about this, but reached the conclusion that he could always ask her tomorrow, instead of bothering her at this time of the night.
When he reached the window of his second daughter, he could hear her crying.
He thought about this too, but ultimately he decided to ask her tomorrow and continued.
There were no sounds at all coming from his oldest daughter's room, and he then went to bed, satisfied.
The next day, when they all were gathered around the breakfast table, he said to his youngest daughter "I heard you laughing last night, as I walked past your window.
Why was that?"
She answered "That's because you taught me to laugh when someone was making me happy..."
He then asked his second daughter "I heard you crying last night, why was that?"
She answered "That's because you taught me to cry when someone was making me hurt..."
He then told his oldest daughter "I didn't hear anything from you..."
She said "That's because you taught me not to talk with my mouth full..."