In the spirit of keeping options open, I spent some of my weekend setting up an account on www.datingcurves.com (“where BBW’s meet their match”‘). This was my first time using an online dating site aimed at plus-sized folks – I’m unwilling to allow my body to be fetishized, and I’m afraid that that is what will happen if I meet someone through a site like this – but I’ve getting a little demoralized hearing my not-fat friends talk about the flood of messages they get on match.com or salon.com, while I’m getting just a couple here and there, so I decided to give it a go.
It’s a bit funny. I’ve written before about the dilemma of choosing a descriptor for my body, but I figured that a site aimed at “curves” would offer a some creative answers. Um, not so much. The choices were: “average,” “athletic,” “lean/slim,” “thin,” “swimmer’s build,” “a few extra pounds/curvy,” “muscular,” and “heavy.” Awesome. So many questions… say, for example, why do the “lean/slim/thin” people of the world need two categories? What the hell is a swimmer’s build (and why don’t other athletes get their own a categories? I demand a “fencer’s build” category!) ? What if you’re a lean athlete? Or a heavy swimmer?
(I did some research on which of these categories folks were using to describe themselves. Turns out, there are a lot of women calling themselves “heavy” – even when they look just a little bit bigger than the cultural ideal – and lots of men calling themselves “average” and “just a few extra pounds,” even when they are clearly very large. Huh. I went with “heavy,” because it’s the most honest, although it is definitely not a word that I would choose on my own.)
My ad has been up since Saturday, and since then I’ve gotten a dozen responses or so. All were in the form of a “wink”, not an email (for the uninitiated: most dating websites offer a pared-down free version that lets you browse but doesn’t allow you to send messages to other users; most also have a “wink” function where you can tell someone that you’re interested without writing them). Most came from men in other parts of the world. One was from a gorgeous dreadlocked man living in my city, but – alas- neither of us are members, so all we can do is “wink” forlornly at each other from across town.
Fat Girl on a Date 
Why these websites don’t enable some sort of ‘describe yourself in your own words’ function is beyond me… can’t be that difficult, can it?
I met my husband through Yahoo personals, and I used the “about you” comment box to basically say that I was fat and if the men were looking for a perfect 10, to keep on looking, I wasn’t it. But that is one of the biggest problems I saw with dating sites, that there just isn’t a wide enough variety of body descriptions.
I was a heavy swimmer, and a “normal weight” swimmer, and now I’m a former swimmer who fits into … a few extra pounds/curvy, I guess?
I competed at the university level and saw swimmers of allllll shapes and sizes. Some muscular, some thin, not too many fat, but a couple. The only thing their bodies had in common was that they were trained to get in the water and move fast.
“so all we can do is “wink” forlornly at each other from across town.”
Hee! That made me laugh! I had this image of the both of you just blinking, blinking at your screens…. :-)
Yeah–that describe yourself thing is just lame. What if you have a bowler’s build? Or a curler’s build? I subscribed to Chemistry and I picked a few extra pounds. I also did an add on Craigslist and said I am am chubby. I wish I was comfortable with saying ” I’m fat”. I think I will try a plus size site too. I didn’t do it initially for the exact same reasons. This is all starting to feel like a job search! URG!
Mizbig, I’d love to hear some of your dating stories! Got any doozies?
I should invite my friend E to tell some of hers. One of them stars a gentleman known among my lady friends as “Pits McTitty”.
I don’t have a doozies…not yet anyway. Everyone is scared of the chub, I guess. I had coffee with one guy from CL who was older than he said he was and kept on going on and on about how much he loved southern food.
“Pits McTitty” ?!? That made me laugh so hard I spit out some of my salad! I HAVE to know!!!
I think I am going to make a tee that says “Luv the chub” on it, and wear it to every coffee from now on.
I’m just sayin’.
I want a “luv the chub” shirt!
As for Pits McTitty, I’ll have to get E over here to tell it. She had to live it; it’s only fair that she get to tell it.
About the “winking”: I’m with this online dating service that has the pay membership thing, too, and many members swerve by this restriction by coding their email addresses in their “about me” field (e.g. I’m talented, nice and a generally FUN_GUY (at) Y..OO dot COM) or writing their email addresses with the paintbrush programme on their pictures (sort of like on the Perez Hilton website).
Oh, and I definitely want to hear the Pits McTitty story! I’ve been on a LOT of online dates and have many stories that bring tears of laughter to my friends’ eyes (e. g. on our first date my date told me en detail about his penis operation *headdesk*).
I’ve signed up for a couple of dating sites that let me look for other women, and most of the time I have a problem with them putting more emphasis on my body shape than on things I’m specifically not looking for. I can’t remember where the last one was, but I specifically checked non-smokers without kids of any body type, it returned only fat women, many of whom were smokers or had kids. I’ve given up on those automated matching system things, some of them have some weird ideas on what values to weight when making matches.
It’s too bad you can’t do more than “wink” at the dreadlocks guy. Some of the older personals sites it used to be easy to thwart their system but nowadays the dang things are locked up too tight. It’s too bad it isn’t one of those sites that offers a free chat room.
I’ve recently started using a BBW dating site (BBWPersonalsplus.com) and I’ve actually met some really nice guys. I’m about the same size as you and had similar worries about the fetishizing but I really haven’t come up against that at all. I bucked up and paid for a membership and I’m glad I did. They have more body type choices (Big and Beautiful, Big and Handsome, Full Figured, Large but Muscular, I should maybe lose a few, average, athletic, washboard, slender, I’ll tell you later) which I like (though I’d like to see fat there) and it’s been so nice to just have that issue off the table. The guys wouldn’t be there if they were going to have trouble with a bigger body.
I just found your blog from your comment on Shapely Prose today and I’m really enjoying it!
I’ve been thinking that I might pay for a membership at one of the fat-friendly dating sites. One month can’t hurt, right? Besides, it would be like investing in the blog.
I’m checking out BBWpersonalsplus as we speak.
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Im not even sure how I found this blog spot but im glad I did…lol…after reading all the comments I just had to share my experience with dating curves…. Its been 2 months since I put up a profile, and only one of which has been with a paid subscription (I took a trial offer) I understand the annoyance of some of the preset options they have you choose from, my biggest gripe is the whole living situation… I have 1 child and the only option is living with “children” so in my mind im thinking of all the men out there who are going to think I have my very own brady bunch running around my home..lol.. but anyway to be honest my experience on the site has been very positive!…. you can never have too many men think your pretty and iv actually met 4 men so far who I have met for dates… two of which im still entertaining the idea of prolonging our interaction lol…
I have a suggestion for the women out there who don’t want to pay for a membership…suck it up ladies!…im a attractive women and at first I was too cocky to pay for one, but then I realized most of the men who are attractive, successful, and intelligent probably feel the same way…besides the trial month long subscription is 20$ bucks and I cant even get a half a tank of gas with that lol …every guy I have met from the site has been someone I emailed first…. Carpe diam! And good luck!
Hi Ladies,
I found this by accident and wanted to add my 2 cents. . . I signed up for datingcurves.com and paid for a monthly membership. It’s been 2 days and I ahve gotten emails from many men and most, but not all of them local. I have 4 pics posted and I filled out the profile completely. There IS an “In your own words” section where you can put anything you want which can help kill the uncertainties. My experience is similiar to Caroline’s – positive so far. I have not met anyone in person yet, but I have chatted with a few very smart guys who could hold their own in a conversation. . . and I KNOW that I am not going to have to broach the uncomfortable conversation about being your SOO NOT BARBIE kinda girl.
Have hope, post pics and fork up the $20 for the month. . . I’m sure you spend that on coffee in a week.
I know this is an old post. But I find the agonizing over descriptors to be curious and amusing. Obviously descriptor words for your body type are ambiguous and mean different things to different people. Why not just put a height and weight and be done with it.
Hello, I agree, the online site thing is a challenge. And yes I haven’t paid at one either. Maybe I need to. Those “someone is interested in you” but we won’t let you two email” things are annoying, is it real or are they trying to get me to put up the bucks by teasing me?
Any of you looking for a tall, broad shouldered, in shape older guy in Philly?