You know you've been living in England too long when...
A few friends of mine and I put the following list together amazingly quickly one Sunday afternoon. All you have to do is preface all of the statements below with the phrase: "You know you've been living in England too long when..."
| you automatically plan to leave 1 hour early for an
appointment 20 minutes away to account for train delays. after a few beers on Friday night, you decide to "go for a curry". you actually think English summers are "hot". you can walk into any Halfords, B&Q or Homebase store in any part of the country, and intuitively know where the item you're looking for will be. you refer to "soccer" as "football". you begin to describe people you dislike as "twats", and your preferred expletive is "bollocks!". you can recognise the theme tune to "Eastenders". you know who William Hague is. (deduct extra points if you actually like the twat.) you think public transport is cheap. you can wander around on a summers day in shorts and a tee shirt. you refer to your beer as "a pint". you begin to describe Europeans as "Johnny Foreigners". you can understand anything a "Northerner" is saying. the first accessory you buy for your new car is breakdown service membership. you can't think in metres anymore. you know who's at the top of the premiership table. you plan to go to Spain for a holiday. a Sikh Indian in traditional costume speaking with a Glaswegian accent doesn't faze you anymore. you begin to take clever UK advertising for granted. you watch the F1 series on ITV just to hear Murray Walker's unbelievable blunders. you mentally convert all prices to UK pounds when "overseas". you honestly believe that fish & chips should be served with mushy peas. on looking up, you're momentarily disoriented by the appearance of a patch of blue sky. you've been to Wembley, and recount the event in hushed, reverential tones. you're eligible for "permanent residence". you can name more that 10 brands of local ale. you call rubber gumboots, "Wellingtons". it doesn't surprise you when England play badly at football anymore. you know how to bleed the air out of the radiators in your house or flat. you possess any kind of season ticket. you would never in a million years have considered visiting "The Dome". you begin to dislike the French. your passport is beginning to fill up with all those damn entry stamps. you expect poor service. and you don't complain because "you don't want to cause a fuss". you describe geeks and nerds as "anoraks". you like your steak broiled, and very well done at that. you say "cheers", instead of "thank you". when overseas, you get in a taxi and expect the driver to know how to get to your destination. your winter wardrobe is bigger than your summer one. you think British plumbing "isn't too bad". you know who David Beckham is. you have an opinion about whether Britain should adopt the Euro. you'd never consider driving anywhere on a bank holiday weekend. you think other countries electrical plugs are tiny and fiddly, and probably not very safe. you own a lawn mower. you don't rush to the front seats on the upper level of a double decker bus anymore. |
But the key indicator that you've been in England too long is if you grinned, nodded and said "yep..." to more than 10 of the statements above!
Can you think of any others? Mail them to us at "john at gastric dot com". and we'll add them to the list!
