I wrote the following column for Seagull, the Brighton & Hove Albion matchday programme, back in September 2008. On that afternoon (Sat Sept 20th) the Albion were about to take on visitors Walsall at Withdean in a routine League One fixture – but a rather more enticing encounter was just days away . . .
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DOESN’T get much more exciting than this, does it? I don’t mean a visit from Walsall, with the greatest of respect, but the match we’ve got coming up on Wednesday night.
Yep, Man City at home. A potential Premier League scalp. The chance to make a glorious bit of history here at our ramshackle excuse for a football ground.
And who’s to say it won’t happen, eh? Sides from League One and the Championship may have got used to ropey old Withdean over the years, meaning it no longer freaks the living daylights out of them and makes them play like ninnies, but I’m sure this place still has the potential to unsettle a bunch of overpaid prima-donnas from the top flight. Or I certainly hope so.
If we’re talking Dad’s Army catchphrases – which admittedly we weren’t, but what the hell – let’s hope it’s a case of “they don’t like it up ’em,” as dear old Lance Corporal Jones, Walmington-on-Sea’s gung-ho local butcher, would repeatedly exclaim. Rather that than the famously bleak cry of that undertaker fella. The one who howls: “We’re doomed!”, I mean – not the one who goes: “You’re listening to the Fan’s Phone-In – oh eight four five nine, five seven, double oh, five seven . . . ”
As for the actual timing of the fixture – eight days later than originally planned, I believe, owing to City having commitments in Europe (ooh, “commitments in Europe”, eh? Get them, with their fancy-dan ways . . .), I have to confess I couldn’t be happier.
Why? Because if City had been free to come down and play us on September 16, the date originally pencilled in, then I’d have been away on flipping holiday.
Yep, the biggest fixture here at Withdean since . . . well, since pretty much the dawn of time . . . and I’d have been sat in some pokey bar a billion miles away, slapping factor 50 on my scarlet forehead. Doesn’t bear thinking about.
Tell you what, if ever I’m appointed to the role of Chief Bigwig at the Football League or the FA or whoever’s in overall charge of these things (and let’s not pretend it’s out of the question, OK?), then my first big decision, probably before I’ve taken so much as a sip of coffee on day one, would be to change the date the football season starts.
After all, millions of fans are still away on their holidays in August. And a fair few of us opt to take our break in September, once the schools have gone back and there’s a statistically higher chance of being able to complete at least one length of the hotel pool without being dive-bombed by hordes of screeching brats.
And, yeah, I know it’s easier than ever these days to keep up with how your team’s getting on while you’re thousands of miles away – especially thanks to texting, or by using some shrivelled-up version of the internet on your mobile that allows you to rack up a £500 data-roaming charge to find out you’ve drawn 0-0 with Leyton Orient – but come on, it’s rubbish compared to being there in the flesh.
So, yes, bring on Man City. The new mega-rich la-de-da Man City, that is, with their seemingly limitless resources and their dreams of becoming the Premier League’s new No.1 superpower. Let them field their strongest side. We fear nobody. Much.
Besides, here at Withdean they’ll learn a valuable lesson. Money may be able to buy you a lot of things, but it can never buy you passion, belief or a genuine love for your football club.
And nor, from my experience, can it ever buy you a bacon sarnie at the North Stand tea bar unless you join the queue 10 minutes before half time.
I suggest Robinho’s mum does him a packed lunch.
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* Read Mike every day in the Daily Star and every weekend in the Daily Express Saturday magazine. Mike’s regular interview feature, Around The Amex, appears in the Brighton & Hove Albion matchday programme for each home fixture.
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Mike Ward on TV 
(Apologies. This post is off-topic, but I see this venue as a way to get it to Mr. Ward’s attention.)
This football-loving Yank, who has never been to an English football ground, let alone to England, absolutely loved Gullhanger. It was especially delicious because I’m managing the Albion in Football Manager 2011.
I wish I could say that when I began playing FM11 early this year, I selected Brighton because I long loved the club. Actually, I picked the Gulls because they fit most of my basic criteria: a lower-level English club with decent finances and which finished somewhere around mid-table the previous campaign. Brighton fit this bill as FM play began in the 2010-2011 season. They were, however, deficient on one point: a small stadium, that promised nothing but financial struggles going forward. Nevertheless, I selected the Gulls. Imagine my pleasant surprise two years later when Amex opened. (This just shows how little real-world research I did before taking the Brighton job.)
I learned that season that there’s a good reason that Gus is a real-life manager and I’m confined to fantasy. With most of the same talent I had available, he won promotion to the Championship. I finished 8th in League 1. I climbed to 6th in 2011-2012 and then won it all in 2012-2013. Currently, 10 matches into the 2013-2014 season, I’m 14th in the Championship, eight points above the relegation zone and three below a playoff berth. My only goal this season is to avoid the drop.
Through my satellite TV, I’ve been able to catch some actual Gulls matches this season. I’ve been struck by the wide disparity between Gus’ squad and mine. Of the guys now on Brighton’s first-team, only these remain on my fantasy squad: Greer, Elphick, Barnes, Calderon, Painter and Bridcutt. (A few of the missing were dumped at the end of 2010-2011. Most of the others were gone by the end of the next season. Nearly all of these guys were performing no better than barely adequately. Many weren’t worth their salary levels.)
This speaks volumes about the Football Manager system of player ratings and assigning performance attributes to players. Here are two examples of this gulf between FM and the real world. From what I’ve seen on TV, Matt Sparrow is a valued piece of the Gulls’ midfield. For me in 2011, he was crap. Even more striking is Lewis Dunk. I had him as a youth player and my staff — notably Mr. Tarrico — told me he had no future. So I cut him. After seeing him starting on TV, I checked him out in FM. He’s now 21 years old and putting up lousy numbers for Gateshead, which looks like it’s headed for relegation from League 2. The fantasy Mr. Tarrico was correct about Lewis Dunk. I’m glad to see the actual Lewis Dunk prospering, although I read that there are some Premiership clubs sniffing around.
This leads me to a question. Do you know whether there is some local person who provides FM programmers the scouting and ratings for Brighton players? Did some local “expert” screw up on Dunk? If so, maybe new blood is needed for FM.
Thanks, Mr. Ward, for Gullhangers. Before reading it, Brighton was just another FM manager’s job for me. Now it means more than any of the 20 or so FM jobs I’ve had since discovering FM 2006.
I apologize for being so long-winded and probably boring. There’s a reason. A snowstorm has wiped out my satellite TV reception in Appalachia, costing me a Saturday of football, English and American, and giving me time to write. I hope Sunday is a melt day.
Cheers to all in the Motherland,
David Goeller
Cumberland, MD, USA