Self-Indulgence 9: Countdown to Awkwardness

I don’t watch or read much hentai. Just ain’t my thing. If I’m gonna watch some peeps get it on I’d rather see some real genitalia doing the nasty.

But it isn’t like I’ve never watched any of that shit. I’ve seen my fair share, and the first time I was subjected to it was rather awkward.

It’s my freshman year of college. I’m bored as hell in my dorm room, doing my best to avoid doing any kind of schoolwork. A buddy of mine drops by. He goes to a nearby community college and he’ll swing by after class once or twice a week so he can bum food off of me since I have one of those food debit card things to use on campus. So we chow down, and then he says we’re gonna go hang out with his girlfriend. Says we might get some Vampire the Masquerade in since she’s into that sort of stuff. So I bring my VtM books, all excited to make characters and shit.

We go to his girlfriend’s house. Turns out that her best friend is there with her. We hang out for a bit in the girlfriend’s room, talking and stuff. I don’t know the girls all that well, so I’m a little antsy to get to the gaming bit. Back then I was far more comfortable conversing by means of GMing. That way I could break the ice, so to speak. But my friend has other plans.

He tells us that he got some new anime and pulls out a VHS tape. It’s called Countdown. I knew what it was. His girlfriend and her friend didn’t. But he explained it to them. It was porn. Animated porn. From Japan. He said it was awesome.

Side Note: Countdown’s a short hentai OVA series where half the episodes are about a girl with a dick who seduces women. It’s remarkably tame compared to most hentai out there since the sex is fairly “normal” and it’s all consensual. It ain’t no Overfiend, that’s for sure.

I gave him a “Really, man? This is what you brought me over for?” look. Sure, I was down with watching it, but we were in his girlfriends bedroom. Four of us. In her bedroom. About ready to watch porn. In his girlfriend’s bedroom.

If this were an actual anime, and not real life, things woulda turned into a four way orgy. This is real life. Shit doesn’t play out like that. A minute amount of titillation amongst geeks of opposite sexes doesn’t turn into rabbit fucking. Doujin lie to you. Instead, it turned into 30 of the most awkward minutes of my life. More awkward  than any speech I had to give. More awkward than the first time I admitted to a girl that I liked her. More awkward than that time a drunk housewife hit on my in front of her husband while I was watching Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull at the Alamo Drafthouse.

And we were all awkward. Everyone save for my friend, that is. He’s pretty much exactly like Kousaka from Genshiken. He’s the sort that’s good-looking and appears totally normal, but he does little to hide the fact that he’s probably more nerdcore than everyone else around him. He was eating this shit up– lapping it up no differently from when he would watch Record of Lodoss War or Ranma 1/2.

The rest of us just sat there in silence. Awkward, horrific silence.

Little did I know that said friend was trying to hook me up with his girlfriend’s best friend. Yeah, man. Thanks. That’s how you introduce me to a girl. Have me watch futanari hentai with her. Yeah. She never did feel 100% comfortable hanging around with me.

That may be why I never really got into that hentai shit. But a week ago or so I did re-watch Countdown for the first time after that night. It ain’t bad for what it is. It has a sense of humor to it. But I’ll remember it not for the humor or for the sex. Nope. I’ll remember it for that nostalgic awkwardness that you loathe in the moment and love in retrospect.