Made Up Biscuit Names
Alright, so I was in a shop the other morning, cruising for a nice chunk of biscuity goodness. I was perusing the shelves in a fairly nonchalant kinda way when my eye alighted on the straw that broke the camel’s back.
Fox’s Sprinkle Crinkle Crunch. Sprinkle Crinkle Fucking Crunch, ladies and gentlemen.
Apparently they’re sprinkled crinkled crunchy goddamn biscuits. Right. So, assuming that the new stylee is to give hyper-sodding-descriptive names to things, why the hell aren’t chocolate-dipped-coconut-rings called “Rectal Avengers”? Why aren’t Ferrero Rocher called “Scrotal Warlords”?
Indulge me, if you will, in a worked example or two. Kit Kat. They don’t come as self assembly. They have no obvious feline connection. 0/10 for creativity there.
Digestive biscuits, on the other hand, are a bit of a no-brainer – you digest em. Mind you, if I’m in a retail establishment which provides quality snack products to the discerning public, I’m looking for something to EAT. I don’t want to be reminded of all the gooey organic processes that go on aftwards. 0/10 for making me yak my guts all over the biscuit section of Tescos.
Hob Nobs. Hob, if you will, Nobs. What the fuck? I think it’s probably best if we pursue that line of inquiry no further.
Jaffa Cakes – well, there’s a bizarre story there – apparently McVities (for it is they) were threatened with “improper advertising” or somesuch a few years ago because Jaffa Cakes weren’t actually cakes (cos they had that yummy crumblyness), which is why they’re now repugnant and spongy. Gak. Now that, to my eyes, is a perfect example of making the product fit the name. Why not call em something else? Chocolatey Orangy Crumbly things, springs imediately to mind.
So, biscuit manufacturers – just fucking STOPPIT! It’s bloody annoying! And don’t get me started on butter. “I can’t believe it’s not sodding butter”, “Utterly Butterly” – it’s not even a bloody word! If they’re allowed to just go making up words to describe their products then they have either no imagination or a dictionary with lots of blank pages in. What next? “Try new fox’s Spofnod Bumscordes! They’re indescribably yummy!” Gimme a break.
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