The title of this post may seem strange to people that know me quite well. I'm not one to generalise about groups of people. A more appropriate title would have had most or some in the title. It's no more appropriate than "why are all Nigerians criminals"?, "why are all Americans ignoramuses"?, or "why are all Australians knife-wielding, crocodile hunters"? But I couldn't resist the urge for a little bit of sensationalism and attention grabbing! So on with the post. This topic is borne out of my personal experience over a few years of marriage and of course my interaction with people. Just today, someone asked me if a "babe" was trying to seduce me. Another colleague keeps trying to become my infidelity buddy. Of course I rebuke the two of them in a non-threatening way. These men can't fathom the fact that there are people who just don't do these things. After a trip to Brazil two years ago, someone asked me what I got up to while I was there. I avoid these types of people like a plague of course.
When I was growing up I was quite naive and believed that men are naturally faithful to their wives. I recollect a conversation with two very close relatives of mine when I was just 19. I told them would never cheat on my wife. One of them said he doesn't plan to as well but as a man, these things happen. The second one said he will definitely do it. After all body no be wood. Don't ask me if they have been true to their promises.
Quite a few Nigerian men, even those who have some strong religious profession or the other do it. More than you can even imagine. It's sometimes "accidental" but most often premeditated. And once it has happened, it becomes difficult to stop.
The problem is not helped by Nigerian women who have been conditioned to believe that their husbands will cheat on them no matter what they do. They have bought the lie that it's okay as long as he provides for the children, comes home regularly and doesn't flaunt his extra-marital affairs in her face. The truth is that most of them know about their husband's philandering ways before marriage but assume they can change after marriage. Some of them are so tired of people asking when the big day is going to happen they settle for the worst guy in town. I have even heard that women too now do it. Some of them do it in retaliation for their husband's cheating ways and possibly to get more excitement into their marriage.
As a Christian, the major reason I won't do it is not because I love my wife to bits, but because I fear God!
So I ask, if you have ever cheated on your wife or husband, please tell me why you did it. I'd really like to know.
And if you know anybody that has, do you know why they did it?
If you have never done it and don't want to ever do it, how have you managed to stay faithful?
If you have done it in the past and repented, should you tell your spouse?
Any opinions on why people cheat?
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5 comments:
I think the reason anyone would cheat is simply lack of discipline... This example may sound silly, but why don’t we urinate at the exact spot where we get the urge... the answer is simple we've disciplined ourselves to ignore certain urges or programmed ourselves to do what is acceptable, There’s no denying that the urge is real, but we don’t act on it. We’ve learnt at an early age that this is not acceptable and we’ve been trained or encouraged to discipline ourselves to act in another way.
Some people believe that "ignoring the urge to cheat" is very hard and almost impossible, and in many circumstances this might be true, but what can keep us from acting on this urge, is the conviction that it is unacceptable, and then discipline which can only be inculcated over time (usually during courtship), these are the ingredients that make it seemingly easy to resist the temptation to cheat.
Nigerian men live in a society where Polygamy is an acceptable practice and like you've rightly mentioned not even frowned upon by women folk. It becomes difficult to build up the discipline required to uphold “acceptable" behavior, if there are minor or no consequences for failing to do so.
One thing is clear, the opportunities to cheat are quite available and present themselves frequently (Especially to the trained eye).
But at the end of the day it boils down to a simple choice…. Is this what I want to do, is this who I want to become.
Those of us in a fulfilling relationships / Marriages should also thank God, because this is less common than one might think, and the temptation to act on the "cheating urge" is further exacerbated by "lack" of attention, sex, respect...(anything significant for a healthy intimate relationship)
Overtime it is acknowledged that the longer we practice “fidelity” the easier it is to resist the urge to do otherwise. It even becomes difficult to recognize the opportunities!
I think the reason anyone would cheat is simply lack of discipline... This example may sound silly, but why don’t we urinate at the exact spot where we get the urge... the answer is simple we've disciplined ourselves to ignore certain urges or programmed ourselves to do what is acceptable, There’s no denying that the urge is real, but we don’t act on it. We’ve learnt at an early age that this is not acceptable and we’ve been trained or encouraged to discipline ourselves to act in another way.
Some people believe that "ignoring the urge to cheat" is very hard and almost impossible, and in many circumstances this might be true, but what can keep us from acting on this urge, is the conviction that it is unacceptable, and then discipline which can only be inculcated over time (usually during courtship), these are the ingredients that make it seemingly easy to resist the temptation to cheat.
Nigerian men live in a society where Polygamy is an acceptable practice and like you've rightly mentioned not even frowned upon by women folk. It becomes difficult to build up the discipline required to uphold “acceptable" behavior, if there are minor or no consequences for failing to do so.
One thing is clear, the opportunities to cheat are quite available and present themselves frequently (Especially to the trained eye).
But at the end of the day it boils down to a simple choice…. Is this what I want to do, is this who I want to become.
Those of us in a fulfilling relationships / Marriages should also thank God, because this is less common than one might think, and the temptation to act on the "cheating urge" is further exacerbated by "lack" of attention, sex, respect...(anything significant for a healthy intimate relationship)
Overtime it is acknowledged that the longer we practice “fidelity” the easier it is to resist the urge to do otherwise. It even becomes difficult to recognize the opportunities!
@ Ladosky: Thanks for your comment. I really laughed hard at the analogy if urinating at the exact spot when we get the urge. Conditioning your mind is quite key and one really needs the Grace of God. That is if you recognise that cheating will not be beneficial to either party at the end of the day. I don't believe all the advice out there that cheating can be good for your marriage. Except you're into some funny ménage a trois /freaknik/alternative/open marriage stuff (read immoral and capable of damning you to hell). Of course you also need to "affair-proof" your marriage. We all know where trouble lurks yet we go to such places and hand out with people that can lead us astray. As a married man, I can’t have lunch/dinner or a date with a single woman because I just don’t know what could happen, and I’m not about to find out. Should I try to find out how strong I am by being alone with a woman that is not my wife for a whole night? Why would I want to put myself in that position?
Discipline is so important to this thing. Let no one think he can’t fall because it can happen to anybody if you have created the right environment. Always see the warning signs. When you confide in someone other than your spouse it could get ugly. The day you have a problem with your spouse and you turn to that person for advice/comfort/consolation, that advice could turn to something else. And if you find yourself attracted to someone else, try to avoid close or intimate contact with such a person. The fact is that we will always be attracted to people other than our spouse. But we can’t afford to act on those impulses.
Certaily makes a change, that a man is writing a piece of this nature. Personally, I believe it is because in our culture we are encouraged to follow the status quo. There is a yoruba saying that literally translates into
"Lets do it as it should be done, so that it can turn out as expected". So as soon as you come along with something different to the years and years of 'doings' you get rebuked and ram-roaded into towing the line. This is a very cowardly behaviour and one of our shortcomings as a people!! It it is the same cowardly, attitude that attributes to our country being the way it is. Unfortunately the cowaradly outnumber the courageous. Not a lot of people enjoy doing a new thing, being innovative or being inventive. Equally these traits are not encouraged as much as they should be. Our country is well endowed, all we have to do is change our mindset and things will improve considerably.
Hmnn... this is interesting, looks as if you were reading my mind on this topic kshorty,I use to have it in mind that when I get married someday, no matter how much I try hard to satisfy my man, he will always cheat cos that is what men are born to do even if he is a pastor!...lol
But I do console my self with the fact that "TWO CAN PLAY THE GAME"....
I think most naija men cheat in their marriage because they never gets satisfied with their marriage, bad sex life in marriage, frustration in their marriage, instances whereby their spouses loose respects with them or they are just simply trying out something different.
Infact, it is not something one can really define explicitly because "the heart of man is desperately evil"....let them keep cheating, we will always beat them to their game. Word!!!
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