i was walking around in tuguegarao when i came across a store:

i propose it be entered promptly into the sex dictionary. your guess is as good as mine but i can imagine it's along the lines of a hot babaian.

Posted by thejerk at 02:21 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

if you're like me, you've fantisized about at least one member of the cast of mcdonald's. no, not the pasty overweight deep fry technician at your local mcdonald's. i'm talking about Grimace, the Hamburglar, or even fear-inducing (yet strangely arousing) patron clown, Ronald.

but if you're like me, you've forgotten about castmember birdie. with her supple featherless skin she teases the boys' cocks without a bra while wearing those fuck-me overalls. you have to wonder who pokes birdie in mcdonaldland. does she like the rebellious nature of hamburglar or the kindness of the purple blob. or maybe ronald's red clown nose and size 15 shoes tickle her fancy. you know what they say about hideous clowns with big feet...

my shortpants are getting tighter again.. the rich and famous have an enviable lifestyle. don't hate the playa, hate the game.

what? she is? this just in... birdie is a lesbian. more to follow as details come in.

Posted by thejerk at 02:20 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

if you look at a recent satellite image of northern philippines, you can identify my precise location from the hansel & gretel-esque trail of diarrhea i've left - more accurate than gps.

ever since i contracted another disease atop the countless others i unknowingly incubate, i've made a bee-line to the nearest polluted medium sized city for some good old fast food. so in tuguegarao i stay until i overcome my most recent affliction. lack of anything to do will test my patience but 20 peso internet will surely prevail in keeping me entertained.

still no starbucks and its exotic blend of chilled caffienated beverages.

in related news, i've mastered the elusive blurry background photograph as evidenced in the following picture:

i rule!

Posted by thejerk at 02:19 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

it should've been a signal to me when last week, i began sleeping nearly 13 hours a night. then the diarrhea, loss of appetite and fatigue crept up. that i'm sick again is clearly a sign of my once youthful and virile body deteriorating into a shapeless blob kinda like Marlon Brando towards the end of his days.

i curse the northern filipino food, especially in my current location, Claveria. the only western food available is in the form of a Dunkin Donuts ripoff, Mister Donut and so i'm unable to fill my body with the pizza hut and mcdonald's that are known remedies for my sickness. on the positive side, i've defeated this food poisoning disease before so i'm not worried it'd dengue or yellow fever. rumor has it, the nearest mcdonald's is 4 hours away so tomorrow, i begin my crusade to find western food to take the place of adobo, lechon and pancit.

Posted by thejerk at 03:55 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

described in one word, shameless. maybe these ads are found in california but i've personally never seen them. listed under the section "services", the newspaper editor could've gone with full 100% disclosure and declared "for deviant hire".

the list ranges from "Boys 24 hours, 100% good looking" to a guy apparently so well known and celebrated, his advertisement only lists a phone number and the name, Hector. Others are more subtly advertised as massages but surely a wink and a few extra pesos leads to erotic full service.

click to see larger image

Posted by thejerk at 03:51 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

i can't believe it's not butter! it's like that time i ordered toast with i can't believe it's not butter and they served me margarine instead. i yelled, "i can't believe it's not i can't believe it's not butter!" and that's exactly what i screamed when i saw deposed ex-president ferdinand marcos' body laying in a small glass enclosure. while idly curious filipino gawkers stared with awe, i stood with horror at this self-serving monument (with adjacent museum) and its strange resemblance to buttery deliciousness.

his body, dressed in regalia fit for a faux self-declared king, lay inside a fortress-like building with high vaulted ceilings, protected from further decay by industrial strength air conditioners. the exposed parts of his skin are unblemished and exaggerated giving him a youthful appearance despite its ashen complexion like expired butter (or i cam't believe it's not butter). his lips also have that grayish tone implying the embalmers are limited in their ability to see color. in spite of the skin tone, his body was flawless, like a filipino adonis and my thoughts turned immediately to forgery. even his perfect helmet of hair was jet black despite marcos' death in his early 60s. no asian ages this well. i mean, the hairpiece couldn't look more fake if it had a chinstrap.

upon closer inspection, you can see small laugh wrinkles by his left eye. either the embalmers were sticklers for detail or this is the real deal. his groin is either able to defy years of decay and gravity or it's obviously stuffed like an artichoke appetizer. it'd be a lie to say i didn't laugh, but the dignified internal laughter you'd expect at this type of side-show.

if only i were allowed to take a picture. it's interesting to note that in the northern part of the country, he's not as reviled as you'd think. the building resides in a town governed by ferdinand's attractive and "doable" daughter, Imee. she could easily be an actress or model which would logically enable her to rule effectively as a skilled politician. filipino actor turned ex-president, Joseph Estrada or superhunk action star, Governor Shwarzenegger have set the precedent. but i believe in the justice system and that one day the supreme court will enact an international law that bars entertainers from holding public office. one day.

Posted by thejerk at 03:45 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

pictures taken on my journeys in luzon. just trying to fill out my weblog... nothing too interesting:

first 4 from san juan, la union:
     

this one from a small village called claveria on the northern coast of luzon:

Posted by thejerk at 03:42 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

some of you with softer musical taste may enjoy this filipino song. those of you that listen to screaming and yelling under the guise of "music", don't bother clicking on the link. that means you harish, chunky sack, and syrian nightmare. actually, maybe it's better you guys just die. why won't you just die!

http://www.tristancafe.com/music/flash/sameground.html

i'm a man with musical taste that ranges from back street boys all the way to n'sync and i stand proudly by my choice of man-band music (they're no longer boys, whoa is me). it may also be that i hear this song on every bus i've taken since i left manila and so it's grown on me, kinda like the uncontrollable fungus in my butt crack.

speaking of fungus, how's turd these days. judging by turd's Monster Ballad car CD collection (volumes 1-8), he'd love this song. i can picture him doing the white man's overbite in his car listening to this... while his nazi girlfriend screams antisemitic slurs out the window.

in other news: did anyone else's groin tingle when they saw pink floyd's Live 8 performance? mine also... high five!

Posted by thejerk at 05:16 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

first off, i preface this by saying not all filipinos are insane, just the ones i run into on a daily basis. most speak perfect english so it's not an issue of a language barrier. there's clearly some disconnect within their brains and the reasonable conclusions they should draw. observe:

morning coffee - a little background: instant coffee is the de facto form of coffee in the philippines. i sure hate that nescafe.

the jerk: hi, do you have brewed coffee or is it instant?
cafe waitress: you want instant coffee?
tj: no, i'm just asking, do you have brewed coffee?
cw: (yells to the back) one coffee!
tj: no, can i have an iced coffee?
cw: you don't want the coffee?
tj: no.
cw: (hands me a menu)
tj: no, i just want a brewed iced coffee.
cw: (blank expression)
tj: ok, i'll look at the menu. i'll have the brewed ice coffee.
cw: (converses with coffee master then after 15 minutes, begins to make my coffee)

mcdonalds

hamburger artist: welcome to mcdonald's, may i take your order, sir?
the jerk: can you give me a second? i'm not really sure.
ha: do you want a mcdo value meal, sir?
tj: - (i've now learned to ignore the insane questions)
tj: can i have a number 1, no supersize?
ha: (looks back at the billboard menu) you want a big mac meal, sir?
tj: - (but i nod)
ha: how many, sir?
tj: how many what?
ha: how many big mac meals do you want, sir?
tj: 4 (sarcastically)
ha: 4 big macs! (into her microphone)
tj: no, i'm kidding, just one meal, no supersize.
ha: do you want to supersize that, sir?
tj: -
ha: - (blankly)
tj: no just a regular size with diet coke, coke light.
ha: what drink with that, sir?
tj: a coke light, please.
ha: that'll be 99 pesos, sir. do you want a longganisa burger for 33 pesos?
tj: -

in the philippines, you ask a question and you've ordered it. "excuse me, do you have lukewarm diarrhea on tap?"

"one lukewarm diarrhea for the long haired chinaman!"

i shite you not! this is all too painfully real. someone kick me in the gonads. at least that'll be easier to endure.

Posted by thejerk at 05:11 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

unless you've been living in a cave, you've heard of the schapelle corby fiasco. long story short, the australian national was found guilty of smuggling drugs into indonesia. i don't smuggle drugs or anything but perhaps a more aggressive customs official may interpret the gigabytes of pornography on my laptop as an attempt to sell and distribute my "stash". hardly the case but i'd be loathe to spend time in jail for a "crime" all men are commit, to varying degrees. (e.g. harish owns a separate computer for his collection)

to trump counter-pornography officials, whenever i cross a border i compress (zip) my illegal luggage (especially the ones involving circus midgets and a vengeful god), then send the zipped files to the windows recycling bin for salvaging after i've crossed the border. there's absolutely no way they'd find it.

ingenious plan, don't you think? i suggest you use it. i'd pat myself on the back were it not for the lesions that sprouted there recently. then i'd kick my own ass for accidentally emptying my recycling bin after i landed in the philippines. SONUVA#%@$!$# it's all over! the years i've spent amassing the finest collection of smut outside of denmark all gone from a single mouse click. in a world rich with indecent material, i'm a poor man and without a broadband connection, i'll remain poor for a long time. on the bright side, at least i'll free up 2 hours of my day normally spent tagging and recategorizing my porn.

by the way, schapelle corby is probably innocent but nonetheless should be in jail. the australians coming to her defense are insane! must be nice to be a large breasted white woman.

Posted by thejerk at 05:05 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

compared to the other southeast asian countries, the philippines is turning out to be quite spendy mostly in hotel costs. accomodations are running at about $10 per night which may sound like little but when the rest of southeast asia's guesthouses run only $4 on average, this is a fortune. as a result, i've increased my traveling speed to "breakneck velocity" enabling me to return to manila without having to panhandle for change towards the end of my clockwise loop around luzon. gone also are 5-6 ice coffee/diet coke breaks and the peace of mind knowing i don't have to count my pesos when i eat or take transportation. on the bright side, i get to eat a lot more mcdonald's value meals which are not only delicious but one of the more filling and affordable meals all over luzon. thanks ronald, you've saved me once again.

i've been hitting the fast food chains located at every city i stop. jollibee, a locally grown "mcdonalds", is necessarily everywhere but as most san franciscans who have been to the jollibee on howard st. can attest, that stuff is the slightly worse than donkey excrement. take it from me. having been to india, i can unequivocally say that donkey excrement tastes extremely foul.

it's off-peak season but prices haven't come down accordingly. i chalk this one up to unskilled business practices in line with filipino insanity. they'd rather lose a customer, money and keep a room unoccupied than haggle down to a more comfortable rate. usually i'm their only customer but still they turn me down. the worst part is i'm now entering hotels ready to yell at management to correct their illogical ways. but ultimately, i get kaiboshed back out into the street by a pimply faced helper with tears clouding my bloodshot eyes and snot dripping out my nose. fools.

the food is average at best. i'm dying for any spicy meal, one that'll make me sweat and/or blur my vision but none can be found. nothing's better than a cigarette after a painfully spicy meal. hence, i have enjoyed my cigarettes less, not to mention the locally produced smokes give me a splitting headache. but as i was taught at male cheerleading camp, a winner fights through the pain so i often quickly chase my last cigarette with another. that's what a real man does. that and weeping after a hotel manager won't give you a room for 300 pesos.

Posted by thejerk at 05:03 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

as i was trawling the web for east german scheize porn kazaaing mp3's on my free wifi connection, i found this picture of teen angst vanilla pop-star, michelle branch. the obvious question is: how is it that michelle branch has a worse body than me!?

and clearly she's sucking in her gut in this picture. really, her general body shape reminds me of a hairless ewok which i'm not so certain has made me more or less attracted to her. nonetheless, she's got no business wearing something so j-lo-esque especially because unlike j-lo, michelle branch doesn't have that spankable aspect on her pre-pubescent face. it's not like she's so busy she can't get herself to a gym or pop in a jazzercise video. of course, that's not to imply i'd kick her out of bed... and frankly, there are few women i'd kick out of bed these days including (but not limited to) those lovable, and some would say sexy, ewoks.

Posted by thejerk at 03:38 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

i know most of you guys come to this site to be personally ridiculed in ways that scientifically prove your laziness and utter ineptitude. without further ado, i belittle your web savvy and deflate any delusions of competence:

if you look on the right side of the page, i've included a new technological advancement, aka a "where am i" link for all you hunchbacks and mongoloids that continue to email me to ask my location. i've answered my share of insane questions in my time (and once and for all, no, i don't have a transplanted baboon liver) but now that i've made it doubly easy to find my exact location, i'll no longer humor you with a reply about my current whereabouts.

i'm a busy man-boy... i've got to continue my search for the perfect retirement beach. and for those of you that have stumbled onto thejerk.org by accident, i address you as well in my all inclusive damnation no matter how short you've been on this site.

in other news: "man needs penis to have sex"... who would've guessed?

Posted by thejerk at 03:31 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

i'm not sure what these guys are protesting but knowing europeans as well as i do, (after all, i earned an associates degree in political science at tompkins county community college minoring in sweatshirt design) i'd wager a steak dinner it's something that involves unrealistic environmental protection at the expense of consistent economic growth. you hippy euro-trash can protest what you want but when you treat bike seats like that, you obscure your mission by the atrocities committed to your poor bicycle seats.

as you and i know painfully well, unclench buttocks lead to a wedging effect, irreparably staining our seats with fully digested granola products.

figure 1. full moon party of sorts - without a heavenly body in sight

Posted by thejerk at 12:29 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

good guess but no, that's not the number of chicks i've boned - in the past week. sadly, you divide that number by 10,000 and you get the number of chicks i've boned - in my life. subtract 1 and you get the most scientifically correct answer to the number of chicks i've boned in my life. have the definition of "boned" encompass arousal during women's ncaa volleyball on ESPN2 and we're back up to 10,000.

getting away from my sad and useless existence, the number actually refers to the volume of photographs i've taken ever since i bought my now 20x canon camera (about a year ago). i've always been a fan of quantity over quality (as well as style over substance) so 10k photos means something to me, especially because 9900+ pictures are completely unsuitable for viewing. regardless, it's time to break out the mocktails and call up the german party boys b/c a sausage-fest is in order.

figure 1. that's me on the bottom celebrating 10,000 memories

Posted by thejerk at 12:27 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

some come to the philippines for the cheap hookers and $0.25 beers, other's for the abundance of american chain restaurants and the various comforts of home... i come for all of the above.

it helps when tim "testisexual" tayag lives a luxurious lifestyle that you can pass off quite easily as your own. on more than one occasion, i've duped women into believing i'm a wealthy expat with a paunchy filipino male maid. sorry to you use as my prop, tim. by the time they'd figured out the truth, i'd gotten what i wanted promptly kicking them out into the street as they whined for their 45 pesos¹. (56 pesos = $1)

in manila, there are easily 2 starbucks at every corner and a mcdonald's to filipino female ratio of 2:1. the best thing to come out of this is i've so far managed to avoid adobo, bangus local cuisine by rotating through a series of fast food joints starting with outback steak house on monday then rounding out the week with a quiet sunday dinner at taco bell. the pounds i've shed in the past few months are certain to return but it's a small price to pay for delicious D-grade beef wrapped in a soft tortilla.

tim's got a good thing going here (if you consider being marginally obese and hooked on opium suppositories a good thing). he stays at home all day and performs stand up comedy in the evenings. who knows how long tim can keep up his hobo ways. you can speculate as well as i can but if the gods of schadenfreude have anything to say about it, he'll end up like this guy:
figure 3. a glimpse of tim in 3 years... make that 2 years.

in terms of the philippines, i have no set plans except to slowly see the entire country heading north some time this week. the filipino government is generous with its visa extensions so in theory, i can stay until i turn gray(er) or until i meet my ideal filipino bride; the web-site warned 3-4 weeks delivery. add 2 weeks if she's over 50. but until i leave manila, i'll enjoy the cheap floozies and marathon dorito eating sessions by tim's apartment pool.

footnote:
¹look, i kid. even though i beat it to death, i've never paid to do it with a hooker before. i swear it on my dead hamster's life. well, not to get too much into semantics but technically speaking i've never handed cash directly to someone in a bargained exchange for an "encounter". then again, there was that one time i was drunk in the tenderloin district of San Francisco. you ask me where i went with that overweight vietnamese prostitute and i wouldn't have a reasonable response. at the same time, i'd also be unable answer how i ended up 75 miles away in los banos... naked... bloodied... with a picture of celine dion tattooed on the underside of my penis that same night. great times.

Posted by thejerk at 12:22 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

last year, west coast, this year, east coast and the pictures show the little there is to do or see in malaysia.

highlights:

- man-eating lizards
- kuala lumpur revisited with a better camera
- turtle eggs

pictures here!

peace in the southeast (asia)

Posted by thejerk at 03:23 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

it's unbearably hot, the beach here is filthy and there are far too many annoying chinese tourists yelling talking loudly to each other. i've lounged around in this town for an entire week waiting for the appearance of leatherback turtles that give birth on the beach then scurry away from her young like the syrian nightmare's deadbeat mother (the one that cooks us syrian food is an android replica that has mastered the art of flaky baklava). the problem is, as a result of the tides, turtles often visit only after 1AM standad malaysian time.

on my last night in cherating, i decided enough is enough. i marched (aka got a ride) down to the turtle sanctuary and played a waiting game for the elusive egg-laying beeyatches and was finally rewarded for my perserverance while simultaneously punished by the presence of chinese tourists. i've rarely been up until 4am on my mini-retirement except for the odd diarrhea or to clean my sheets from those recurring dreams i have of the syrian nightmare's oviparous mom.

behold:

i assure you that's the proboscis-like cooter of a turtle pooping birth to about 40 young'ns which are quickly snatched away by the malaysian park rangers before chinese tourists make away with them for use as an aphrodesiac and/or cure for pancreatic cancer. for those of you that have seen me make doodie, you'll see an oddly familiar similarity to the size, shape, quantity and color to the turtles eggs.

in a couple of days i'll be basking in "tiny" timothy tayag's opulent manila apartment fighting off hordes of filipino women that wanna be my baby's mama. after a mildly rigorous screening process, i'll choose the beefiest among them able to carry my 50 pound (23 kg) backpack for me around the philippines while i attempt to achieve my critically acclaimed "half-year of shirtlessness" threat pledge.

.:. edit .:.
so i just looked at the picture on the web and it looks nothing like a turtle. but rest assured, it is.

Posted by thejerk at 10:31 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)