Audrey is having a tough time. She misses Florida. She misses her BFF Casey. She misses Fishhawk. She is shy. You wouldn't know that if you didn't REALLY know her because she has an impressive false bravado in public. But she is having a hard time making friends. Not because she's not likable. She just won't knock on someone's door and ask them to play. Because when your heart and mind is in Florida or in Iowa, or wherever it is, it's hard to have it in Japan as well.
We have our brightest moments when we are out and about in the big country of Japan.
But when we're home, it's not easy. And that's an understatement.
I used to make the girls cd's for their birthdays. I stopped doing it because a. I was so busy and b. It seemed we didn't listen to cd's much anymore. Well, now that we have our 1996 minivan and one AM radio station, we are listening to cd's again. And I pulled out the cd case and we're listening to all of those old birthday cd's. Today I was listening to the one I made for Audrey's 8th birthday. A song came on that I didn't recognize. It was a song that I discovered while looking for songs for her back then to tell her how much I love her. As I listened to Reba McIntire, singing "I'll Be" a song she apparently wrote for her daughter, I found myself crying, driving down the road on the left hand side of the road, which of course is right, in Japan.
"I'll Be" by Reba McIntire with Lyrics
When you have that beautiful, sweet, wonderful baby, you can't imagine anything more wonderful. Any person more sweet than my baby? HA! And I'll always feel this exact way and we'll always get along and I'm going to do crafts with her for every holiday and make extravagant after school snacks with carrots and raisins that will look like an animal. And we're going to learn to knit together someday! And we'll go shopping and she'll lovingly pick out gifts for her little sisters or brothers (Brothers? This is the first inkling that this is a fantasy!) and everything will always be perfect. And we'll go caroling every year at Christmastime. And she'll take dance classes. You know what? I'll take dance classes too! And we'll do a duet together someday at a recital. And everyone will be envious of the relationship we have. She'll never sass. She will be wise beyond her years while also being smart for her years! And she'll tell me everything. And I know we're a military family, but somehow, that is going to be easy too! I just need to stay positive and everything will fall in place. And the real estate market will never crash. Or at least not on us.
Newsflash. It's not that easy. You always love them, of course. But you're, or at least I am, more frustrated than I thought I ever would be. And busier. You love that fourth baby just as much as the first one. And you even ordered elaborate "First Birthday" decorations. And the perfect outfit. But her first birthday was three weeks ago. And there hasn't been a party. Or even so much as a cupcake. She hasn't even put on that perfect outfit. And why is my house such a mess? And why can't we sit each night and read a book together as a family? I had this dream. I would bring candles to the dining room table after dinner and Daddy or Mommy would read out loud and the children would listen intently. Where is that? In my dream, I was not negotiating with children over the number of bites and their favorite (only?) food that they would eat was certainly NOT noodles with butter and parmesan cheese. Adventurous taste buds were definitely in that dream! And gourmet cooking. Perhaps yoga. Maybe I was going to be a dancing gourmet yoga guru.
We always, always wanted four children (I'm going to say this again to everyone who didn't hear me before, so please pay attention this time. We were NOT just trying for a boy!) and Thank the Lord we got them but some days, while so happy they are ours and so in love with each of our completely different people, we, or at least I, think.....I'M IN OVER MY HEAD!!!!!
We started reading, religiously, to Audrey when she was just a few days old. And Gigi? The poor kid. Not only has she not had her first birthday party...she has been read to only recently, and surprise! She has a hard time sitting through a book. She's a year old! How did that happen? How did it happen that I don't have time to read to my baby? Was it selfish to want four kids? Was it selfish to want this big, fat Greek family? Maybe if I were Greek, this would be working out better?
What if I'm not good enough to be a Mom to them?!? They deserve the best!!! What if I'm not capable of this job? Some days I think I'm going to be found out as a fake. Not a real Monet. Just a poster from the mall, Monet. And don't my kids deserve a real Monet?
So, Audrey, all of you really....Audrey, Olivia, Claire and Gigi,
Every day is a fresh start. Every day I'm going to try to be the lyrics in this song.....because I love you very much. And I want nothing more than for you to be happy. Well, I want you to be healthy and safe. But that is happy too. So happiness. That says it all. I want you to be happy. I love you to the moon...and back! (And Gigi, someday, soon I hope, I'll read you the book that we acted out with Audrey almost every night when she was a baby. And you'll learn where that line came from.) Because all of you are so different, but so important and beautiful and special to me in every way. I'll try to be....
When darkness falls upon your heart and soul.
I'll be the light that shines for you.
When you forget how beautiful you are
I'll be there to remind you.
When you can't find your way,
I'll find my way to you.
When troubles come around,
I will come to you.
I'll be your shoulder when you need someone to lean on.
Be your shelter.
When you need someone to see you through.
I'll be there to carry you.
I'll be there.
I'll be the rock that will be strong for you.
The one that will hold on to you.
When you feel that rain falling down.
When there's nobody else around.
I'll be.
And when you're there with no one there to hold.
I'll be the arms that reach for you.
And when you feel your faith is running low.
I'll be there to believe in you.
When all you find are lies.
I'll be the truth you need.
When you need someone to run to
You can run to me!
I'll be the light that shines for you.
When you forget how beautiful you are
I'll be there to remind you.
When you can't find your way,
I'll find my way to you.
When troubles come around,
I will come to you.
I'll be your shoulder when you need someone to lean on.
Be your shelter.
When you need someone to see you through.
I'll be there to carry you.
I'll be there.
I'll be the rock that will be strong for you.
The one that will hold on to you.
When you feel that rain falling down.
When there's nobody else around.
I'll be.
And when you're there with no one there to hold.
I'll be the arms that reach for you.
And when you feel your faith is running low.
I'll be there to believe in you.
When all you find are lies.
I'll be the truth you need.
When you need someone to run to
You can run to me!
Be your shelter.
When you need someone to see you through.
I'll be there to carry you.
I'll be there.
I'll be the rock that will be strong for you.
The one that will hold on to you.
When you feel that rain falling down.
When there's nobody else around.
I'll be.
I'll be the sun.
When your heart's filled with rain.
I'll be the one.
To chase the rain away.
I'll be your shoulder when you need someone to lean on.
Be your shelter.
When you need someone to see you through.
I'll be there to carry you.
I'll be there.
I'll be the rock that will be strong for you.
The one that will hold on to you.
When you feel that rain falling down.
When there's nobody else around.
I'll be.
I'll be.
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6 comments:
Susan,
You are a wonderful mother! I don't know how you do it. I look at you and see a strong, sensible, beautiful and wonderful mommy trying her best to give her girls the best she can. I don't know how it is with 4 kids, let alone 4 girls, but I know from my three kids that it's a struggle when they're little. It seems like diapers, feedings, laundry, and housecleaning are all that ever gets done. But, amidst all the craziness, the little bits of time here and there of saneness and complete joy that you share with your family means everything to your kids. It will definitely get easier to deal with the housekeeping once the baby stage is complete and there are more little helpers, but the drama will certainly unfold when they grow up and become young women. I don't know which is better. As a mother of three, watching you with your four, I admire your cheerfulness, your girls' sweet manners, and I don't see all the struggles you may be going through. You're not alone though. We all go through the struggles hoping and wanting to give our kids the very best we can and feeling like it's never enough. I know my mom felt like that the entire time she was raising her three kids but she said it was reward enough when we all came back and thanked her for being such a wonderful mother when we were grown. I hope and pray that Audrey finds her niche here in Iwakuni and things look up for her. She's a beautiful young lady that deserves the best. Maybe through school or sports activities, she can find her place, soon.
~Emily~
Sue,
Hang in there. From what I can glean from your posts, you are also sleep deprived. And adjusting to a new country. And raising four great kids. And living a military life.
Every kid is on her own trajectory, and who knows if Gigi wouldn't have had a hard time sitting through a book anyway. And 1st bday parties are for the parents, because the birthday girl sure doesn't remember. So have a party to celebrate Gigi "just because" one day when you have time, and don't worry.
Remember, Gigi may not get a 1st bday, but she will get lots of perks as she gets older because she's the youngest and you will be tired of being the enforcer. So Gigi will get to stay out until 1 a.m. when her sisters were all told to be home by 11. She'll get to download songs with completely reprehensible lyrics (or she will even if she's not supposed to, but you won't bother to check up on her). That sort of thing.
Things will look up for Audrey. She's at an age where the cliques and social elements of school start to kick into high gear, and it would be hard even if she were stateside. We see it with Forrest's girls (they are 9 and 10). Perhaps she is being spared some other difficulties because of where you are.
No one can do it all. The main thing is that you put forth the effort and do your best--it's the emotions underneath it all that matter, and the kids will understand that one day (if they don't already).
Sounds like you need a little R&R. Easier said than done, I know, but surely there is a fabulous Japanese spa not too far away where you can treat yourself for a day?
The old neighborhood just wasn't the same after you all left. We moved earlier this year--let me know if you are ever back in C'ville.
Take care,
Caroline
I can only imagine how hard it is for you guys right now Aunt Sue! I wish I could come spend another summer with you guys.
You are an amazing mother. I have learned so much from each of my Aunts. You have shown me how much strength it takes to raise four individual souls, but how worth while it is to see them all grow into themselves. You've taught us all how to change dirty diapers with a smile and a song. I can already see the Aunt Susie lessons coming through as I interact with my friend's children. It makes me smile every time I hear an "Aunt-Sue-ism" come out of my lips.
I hope that I can take lessons from all the strong women in my life and be the best mother I can be. In the future I can guarantee that you will be able to smile and point to the lessons I have taken from you.
Hang in there. I was never that girl that could just go sit at a groups lunch table every time we moved, but luckily all it ever took was a few months and one great girl to make me her new best friend.
Love you all!
Abby
xox
Sue,
This is a really touching post that I think every mother can relate to. I can't tell you how many times (nearly daily often more) that I wish I would have reacted differently to a situation. This parenting gig is a tough one. That being said your girls are SO lucky to have YOU as their mom. I'll be sure to say an extra prayer for Audrey, you and the whole family. Love you guys!
These photos are beautiful. The first one of Audrey - gorgeous and the one of the whole family with you and Mick looking at each other, I just love it.
This is such a raw and courageous post Sue. The honesty and love embedded in it really comes through. You have tapped in to what a lot of mothers are feeling.
My heart goes out to you and your entire family. It was such a brave decision to move thousands of miles away from everyone, and if anyone can tackle it, you can! You are an extraordinary mother and wife. Wish we lived closer to help you. I will be praying for strength for you and the girls :) xoxo
GORGEOUS photos btw!
This post actually comes at a good time for me too.... I have been feeling like throwing in the towel because it seems no one is happy. My husbands not happy because the house is a mess (never ends), My kids are not happy because I zero time to spend with them, My clients are upset because I never answer there emails (never ends). I love My husband, kids, and work.... but when is anyone happy? Will anyone ever be happy? Is this for nothing? Am I messing my kids up?
Braylen I promised her a princess party but now having to move it to April (her birthday in October) and Jackson never had one (her is four). Today Braylen is getting an award for the Daisy's and I forgot to order her vest, so they can not pin it to her. Yet my clients have their orders already placed.
Basically what I am saying is I can completely relate about not feeling like you are enough. That is how I feel every second. At least you have great legs ;)
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