By Melissa Kent
PSSST! Single women, over here! Want to know the secret to dating success?
According to British comedian Deborah Frances-White, it is really very simple: men want to sleep with you. That's it. Period.
Forget all that man-drought, eternal singleton nonsense perpetrated by demographers, Bridget Jones and the authors of He's Just Not That Into You, Frances-White is having none of it. "What I say to women is that nearly every man you have ever met has wanted to sleep with you at some level.
"Women don't understand this. They don't know it, but it is absolutely true. A woman can be desired by pretty much any man she wants but she's constantly worried her breasts aren't big enough, or she's not blonde enough, or she's got cellulite.
"Men couldn't care less. Women are attractive and men want to sleep with them, full stop. Once women realise this it's like they are in on the big secret they can use to their advantage."
Like a dating guru converting the masses, Frances-White is taking Melbourne's singletons in hand with her provocatively named festival show How to Get Almost Anyone to Want to Sleep with You.
Part counsellor, part pick-up instructor, part anthropologist in a little black dress, the straight-talking comedian dishes out dating advice to her audience — both men and women — to smooth the path to love. In this she draws on her experience as a founding member of London improvised comedy lounge, the Spontaneity Shop, and as a "charisma coach" for some of the world's biggest companies where she teaches office workers the art of charisma.
Previous stand-up shows have also explored sexual territory: Dream Date, in which she "directs" a rom-com using audience members, has just been picked up by Fremantle Media for a television series.
Some tips are straightforward: one male audience member at her sold-out Edinburgh Comedy Festival show went home minus his ponytail and goatee after Frances-White gave him a make-over. Others are slightly unusual: "Wear a sexy hat — a bowler hat, a top hat, a cowboy hat, it works every time," she says. "If you wear a hat to a party, you don't need a personality. Men will come up to you and say, 'Lovely hat, can I sleep with you?' It's an opener because it says I don't fear attention, I don't mind people looking at me, which means I might not mind people talking to me."
Frances-White is careful to devote equal attention to both sexes with her helping hand. "Women make it really hard for men because it is frightening having to be the one who crosses the room," she says. "I use a willing participant to show men how to cross the room to talk to women and it's so much of a revelation."
And in case you were wondering, Frances-White is in a "very good, happy" relationship.
How to Get Almost Anyone to Want to Sleep with You is at Trades Hall, 2 Lygon Street, Carlton, Tues-Sun, 8.30pm.