Alison Byrne

Mobile No.
07799 661779

Email.
info@byrne-coaching.co.uk

Features & Articles

I have written for several newspapers and magazines around the South East of England, including Kent on Sunday, and Park life. I have enclosed a few of these articles for your personal use; they may provide some useful tips for parents struggling.

Click on the article that catches your eye.

Dealing with angry outburst

Taming of the teenager - How to deal with your teenagers angry outbursts

Do you sometimes look at your teenager and wonder where you went wrong, does he/she slam doors, ignore your requests, shout back or become verbally or physically aggressive. You are not alone.

Teenager years are turbulent, the hormones are racing, children begin to feel they are an adult and hate having to do what their parents tell them. Suddenly their friends appear more important than anyone; they constantly remind you that life is not fair, and that all their friends are allowed to do exactly as they want.

Many parents look at their teenage children in despair and feel at times they don’t know or like their child any more. Caring for this age group can be the toughest time; it may be something we never thought about until the behaviour started. Does this mean that parents who experience difficulties are failing as parents? Probably not, there is no manual and every child is different, trying to decide what is normal teenage behaviour and when your child is displaying problems is tough, so what are the answers ;- there are some general guidance of dealing with specific behaviours, seek out information and don’t be afraid to ask for help.

Top tips for dealing with angry outbursts.

Have a planned response, don’t wait until the incidents happen
If you are parenting as a couple you need to both be singing from the same song sheet, children are great at playing off one against the other. You need to back each other up with what you tell your child and carry through any sanctions
Boundaries need to be clear, firm, consistent and realistic, revisit what you think is acceptable and make it clear to a child
Children need to have a sanction; they need to lose a privilege, pocket money or a possession.
They should be rewarded for good behaviour everyone wants to feel appreciated, so tell your child when you are proud of them.
Aggression and violence should not be tolerated and this needs to be clearly told to a young person.
Say it like you mean it, no means no, no matter what they say or do. Children only hear a tiny part of you talking when they are angry so keep to the point.
It may seem in the short term easier to give in, in the long term children learn how to get what they want.
When children shout, it is natural to want to raise your voice, but do not get in to shouting louder, it is more effective to talk quieter than them. It reduces the likelihood of the incident getting more inflamed
Ignoring behaviour works as long as you really are ignoring the behaviour and the young person until they talk in a reasonable manner.
If you are concerned about your child’s behaviour seek help, it is not a failure.

Driving Mum Mad

Do you worry that your children are getting under your skin that you are always on their backs, reminding them of their behaviour. Have you lost the pleasure of being a mum? Does that make you a bad parent?

Probably not, many Mum’s I work with talk of these feelings, saying they must be failing as a parent, stating that often they don’t like their children and long for something miraculous to change. Many feel they have little or no control and their children don’t respond to their requests.

When you became pregnant, every one warns you about the sleepless nights and the money you will spend but who ever said that you might regret having them. It’s one of life’s taboos. Most of us assume that parenting will be a natural process, that we will have a maternal instinct that will take over, that being a mother will be the best achievement we will ever do. As a result when problems arise we often compare our abilities to others less favourably. So is there anyone out there who is contented 100% of the time with their children. I suspect not.

Many of the parents I see often start by telling me they have been watching the TV shows on parenting and say at least my children aren’t that bad, but then tell me about their friends and relatives who find it so easy and have wonderful kids. I bet if they were honest too, they would say at times they feel a sense of failure.

So why do we have so little confidence in our abilities. For one it is probably the toughest job out there, it is twenty four hours a day seven days a week and no regular holidays, we are also emotionally attached and therefore want to be the perfect parent. No one gives us a manual and all those tips we see rely on us doing this all the time. Is it really likely that we will never give in to those demands for an easy life? So what can we do? Here are my top five tips.

Talk honestly with those friends and family you trust to give you feedback on how they are feeling, ask how they see your children.
Look openly at how you parent, are your children really difficult or are your expectations too high
Are there other areas in your life draining your energy, could these be adjusted?
Do you get any time for yourself other than when you do the housework? A long soak in the bath, time with your friends, a sport anything that does not relate to children.
Remember the good parts of being the parent, those special moments that bring a smile to your face, the areas you have achieved in with your kids, it is not all bad.

So what does good parenting look like

Just because we humans have the ability to make babies doesn’t mean that we automatically know how to raise them. This is a fundamental in parenting. As humans we have been reproducing since time began and therefore common sense tells us that it is a natural process that will kick in instinctively. In today’s society life is more complicated, Parents today are stressed, the demands of raising children, working, financing a home and lifestyle, divorce, single parents or step families coming together can add further complications to our lives.

At the same time our children are experiencing more and more pressures, images from the media of essential items to make you look cool, expectations within schools, drugs and alcohol within easy access, divorce, step parents, peer pressure and bullying to name a few. It is no wonder we are left feeling are we failing in this crucial role.

The truth is, we are often left very much in the dark. Within our jobs we expect support, guidance and training yet within parenting many can see this as a failure to ask for help. Unfortunately a hit and miss approach to parenting, of struggling through, grabbing a few minutes to discuss issues with friends, reading books and sucking it and see is rather hit and miss.

Wouldn’t it be great if in pregnancy we were given the ultimate guide to parenting, A step by step approach that guaranteed results. Well to date that doesn’t exist, and even if it did would it work probably not. Each of us are unique so a one way solution would not take in to account our personalities, our own unique situation, our children, partners or others involved. So that doesn’t mean we should not strive to be the best we can as parents.

So what should we do?

The goal: to have the best relationship with your child, to ensure that he/she is raised in a way that maximises the chances of becoming a healthy, confident, moral, kind and self reliant individual.

As you move towards this goal you can develop your own personal image of what good parenting looks like. This is likely to be different for each of us. This journey is likely to be the most valuable gift you can give to your child and yourself. The rewards will outshine any material gimmick you could buy your child.

So along this journey what does it entail? A few ideas to get you started:-

Thinking about how you were parented.

What took place in our early years is still with us today, everyone inherits an emotional legacy whether this is positive or has held us back, it is worth looking back to what we learnt from our own parents and deal with those issues outstanding, freedom from any baggage will make being the parent you want to be easier and more likely.

Letting go of the comparisons

In all aspects of our life we often look at others to compare how we are doing. This is often so unhealthy if we are feeling under confident; we will always come out feeling less than the others around us. It is ok to talk to friends and family about how they parent but remember their life is probably very different to ours. Look for the facts do we have too high expectations, consider if the areas we worry about are part of normal child behaviour, often it is about our tolerance level and image of a perfect parent. There is no such thing, all of us make mistakes.

Planned responses

How many of us really plan how to parent. Think about the expectations you have of your child’s behaviour and plan how to manage this. It is about consistency, it might seem like hard work but in the long run setting boundaries will make your life easier. You need to be clear with your children, if parenting as a couple you need to work together to give your child the same message and boundaries. A child will learn very quickly who they can get round and target that parent. Children will constantly test you and so you need to be prepared in your responses. Discipline is about teaching children self discipline and living within rules. You are doing them no favours by giving in, even as adults we need to be able to stick to the rules whether it is in work, social situations or the law, we all still have sanctions.

Seek support

There is no failure in asking for help; this may be through reading books on parenting, talking to your health visitor, accessing sites on the internet or asking for practical help. There are a range of organisations that offer telephone support, one to one help or support groups. Use them, they are there to help.

Press Release 2005

Parenting is the most challenging yet rewarding job you could ever do. It is meant to be a natural process that has been happening since the start of time, so we could assume that we will all take to this like a duck to water, yet many people struggle through the process often questioning if they are any good at it.

Today’s lives have become more complicated and stressful, people find that they are trying to juggle a career and home life, perhaps bringing together step families, having to manage the different trends that are being thrown at us about must have items for our children, new diets, behaviour techniques to manage hyperactive children. So when you feel you need support, where do you go, to an over stretched social services, counselling, stress management, asking friends and family for advice or just wade through books. Many parents are left feeling they are failing their children, lose confidence in their abilities and worry about what the future holds for them as parents.

A new service is available to parents who want some support with this process. Alison Byrne & Associates has brought together child care professionals with a proven track record of working with parents and foster parents supporting them to reduce emotional and behavioural problems with children of all ages, assisting children achieve within the education system, bring together families in conflict, reduce stress and tensions within the home and supporting parents to be the parents they wish to be.

The service offers one to one or family sessions with an experienced child care professional on a weekly basis; this may make all the difference.

As the founder of this service, I have over ten years experience of working with children and families in a professional capacity, working in particular with families in crisis, and specialising with children with emotional and behavioural problems. I have worked with both children and their parents, carers or foster parents my approach is to listen to individuals and work with their strengths to facilitate change. Just by having some support, someone to talk through the problems can help individuals find a way through. I aim to offer some guidance and techniques but prefer to work with the family for them to find the solutions. It’s easy to follow instructions but if it worked we would all be given a manual through pregnancy and have perfect children. Associates that are linked to the organisation have particular specialities including Lara, specialising in parents of children with learning disabilities and autism, Theresa working with parents of new born, Francis, offering to support of children with a physical impairment, Barbara supporting children with eating disorders if we can not help we will point you in the right direction..

My self and associates work with individuals, couples, children or the family as a whole . We offer weekly sessions in blocks of six, with phone and email support in between. So what is the service and who is it aimed at.

Parent coaching is aimed at anyone

wanting a better relationship with their children
who is joining together a new family
juggling work / home life
whose children are presenting behavioural problems.
with differing styles of parenting to their partner

It is available to single parents or couples, providing support in the most rewarding, challenging job individuals will ever do in their life

The one to one sessions will offer space to explore strengths and skills within parenting, supporting individuals to identify those areas they would like to develop and helping set those in place.

The service

An initial free consultation service is available to answer questions about how parent coaching can help.

The service is confidential, sessions can either be done by telephone or home visits.
For further information contact the office to book your consultation session.

Testimonies and professional qualifications are available to be seen by any person wishing to find out about the service. All professionals are registered with the General Social Care Council and members of the British Association of Social Workers.

Supporting your child in the transition to secondary school

So the time has come for your child to leave primary school, you have done all the preparation, explored the different schools chosen and hopefully got a place at the school you want. So what happens next?

We know from experience many children find the move difficult, they are likely to be leaving a school that is smaller, where they know most of the teachers and have experienced being the oldest of the school. Children like routine and the knowledge that they know what is coming, so a move to a larger place where they may not be going with their friends and have to start again being the youngest can be terrifying.

Children may worry about whether they will make friends, what the other children are going to be like, will they fit in, do they have the cool gear that everyone else has or will they be seen as the geek of the year. Many children have heard about the bullying some children experience, often they wonder if it will be them that gets picked on. So what can you and your child do to prepare them.

Parents top ten tips.

Reassure your child; let them know that you are there to listen but that they will be fine at school.
Remind them of why you picked the school that you did
Find out if any of their friends are going to the school and ask for your child to be in a class with some one they know.
Let them know that they are not the only ones feeling scared. Other children will be feeling the same.
Help them think abut the first day, what they wear, how they act, what they say to people.
Make sure they have all the equipment they need for school, there is nothing worse than sitting in class without a pen, paper etc.
Show interest in school, ask your child about their fears when they go to school find out about their day, you may only get a grunt back but it keeps communication open.
Use the schools website to find out information about what’s going on, whose who and homework expectation.
Talk to the school if your child is over anxious, see what support they may have in place.
Relax your child will be in safe hands.