It’s no part of the Sketch’s job description to bring about the destruction of the Conservative Party and the personal ruin of its leader – consider it a voluntary extra. No charge.
That’s the good news. And in further good news, the Prime Minister is in even better shape than the King. Whatever fettle means, Sunak’s has never been finer. When Starmer publicly welcomed Labour’s latest MP to his backbenches, a defecting Tory medic, the PM said with a comedian’s ease, “Glad to actually see him” with an inaudible “for once”.
He got a louder shout of backbench laughter than Jimmy Carr at the joke’s first outing. “What do you do, sir?” “I’m a plasterer.” “Good of you to turn up.”
How the Tories think they can do any better than their Mighty Mosquito is one of politics’ great comic narratives. He’s across all briefs. He can sting. He can wallop. He can avoid and evade questions as well as any premier in recent memory.
How is he going to pay for the abolition of National Insurance? Keir was told he has no idea how the tax economics works.
Why will he never give a straight answer? For goodness sake, he’s sick and tired of repeating his straight answers.
Is going to fund it by halving the state pension?
“No.”
That straight answer produced a second shutter-rattling shout of laughter.
Will he rule out abolishing the Winter Fuel Allowance?
“We doubled it.”
Tory joy, real or simulated.”No, we aren’t plotting against our leader,” the noise meant. “We love our nimble little pixie!”
And then a re-run of the best parliamentary joke of the decade. Keir leading on pension policy sets up the punchline of Keir’s personal pension plan. “It comes with its own special law,” Sunak began. His backbenches squirmed with pleasure as for a favourite bedtime story. “It was called The Pension Increase Scheme For Keir Starmer.”
It’s a joke that age does not weary. Which is just as well.
LOTO finished on what sounded like a sour note, saying that the PM’s colleagues were queueing up to dump him for their own political survival, that they don’t want to be seen anywhere near him.
It sounded quite rude, in fact.
Notice that Keir didn’t bring up the subject of Rwanda. There was a reason for that.
“We can see the Rwanda deterrent is working,” that noisy Tory with the beard said. “We have deported our first illegal migrant.”
Including the sunk cost, the unfortunate deportee is the single most expensive traveler in the history of civilisation.
However, that desperado Tim Laughton has reported back from northern France saying the deterrent is already working over there. The news from Dublin’s tent city confirms it. “If he carries on like this, he’s going to win the election,” Bill Wiggin claimed.
No one laughed. Perhaps it created a shiver of alarm among his colleagues.
Because this is how the Government destroys its party.
It does so by winning the election. And it does that by achieving a total, unignorable collapse in boat crossings by the weekend.
How?
By sending tomorrow’s landings directly to a reception centre at an RAF base and thence to Rwanda the following day.
This will have the power to stop the boats at once and for all, flip public opinion, cause a surge of interest in the Conservatives, create an environment in which tax cuts will affect voting, followed by a very narrow majority.
And that’s the end of the Conservative Party. This is the election the Tories must lose. Five more years of a Tory government will wipe them out, and cause a catastrophic development in the Sunak family’s domestic arrangements.
Will such a catastrophe happen?
Luckily, on past form, Rishi will not pull of such a daring executive action.
The Sunaks will live happily ever after following their patriarch’s mid-career sabbatical running a country,
And the tree of liberty, in need of that great manure, will be refreshed with the blood of 150 Tory MPs.
Labour’s mayoral candidate for West Midlands Richard Parker has been reported to the police by the Tories. They claim Parker has allegedly breached electoral law over his home address as he put his flat in Birmingham, a short-term let on his nomination form when his main property is said to be in Worcestershire – outside the West Midlands Combined Authority area. Looks like Rayner isn’t the only Labour member who gets their houses mixed up…
West Midlands Police say they “can confirm that we have received an allegation and are currently assessing it”. By law, to run for mayor you must have either lived, worked, or owned or rented within the West Midlands Combined Authority Area during the 12 months period prior to the date of their nomination and the date of the election, or are a registered local government elector. The Tories say he’s only just started renting his flat in the correct area, so he’d be in breach of electoral law. Not a good look the day before polling day. Meanwhile, final polls are saying the West Midlands election result is “too close to call”…
The Reform candidate for the Blackpool South by-election, Mark Butcher, has been absent from events in the last week and even missed the important BBC hustings. Punters have been wondering why as the explosive reason remained unknown…
As it turns out, Mark was busy giving evidence in court concerning his own assassination attempt. In 2020 a convict gunman who had escaped prison (where he was serving a life sentence) seven years previously got arrested again and escaped again, before finally reappearing in Blackpool to try to kill Butcher with an improvised explosive. Police managed to get to him first, finding an bomb and a shotgun. His plan blew up in his face…
Butcher has had to keep tight-lipped while giving vital evidence – the would-be-assassin has now pleaded guilty to four charges, including “possession of an explosive to endanger life“. His sentencing is set for 4th July. Not the most helpful disruption to Reform’s otherwise booming campaign…
Starmer has kicked off PMQs by taking advantage of Dan Poulter’s defection over the weekend:
“After nearly two decades as a Tory politician and an NHS doctor he’s concluded that if you care about the future of our country and our NHS then it’s time for change… as of today he’s our newest Labour MP but I’m sure he won’t mind me saying that I hope he loses that title on Friday.“
Sunak echoed the reaction of quite a few Tory MPs when Poulter crossed over: “Who?”
“Well, Mr Speaker, I’m I’m glad to actually see The Honourable gentleman in the House today.“
Poulter was never known as a workaholic among colleagues…
Executive member of the Union of Shop, Distribution and Allies Workers John Barstow has written to the Financial Times calling to “restrict Sunday online trading”, bringing online sector deliveries under the Sunday trading laws. No more Amazon or Ocado orders outside the hours of 10am and 4pm…
Barstow is inevitably also a Labour ally – just yesterday Starmer delivered a speech to his union. No doubt Barstow will be pushing these changes to bring Britain back to the Victorian era if/when Starmer gets the keys to Downing Street. You’re known by the company you keep…
