It was a difficult start for my son and me. From the beginning, he was a yowling, fussy infant who didn't relish being held or cuddled and protested LOUDLY when things weren't the way he wanted them. He was resistant to change almost from day one-- we fought trying to get him to breastfeed. He never would accept pacifiers. When it was time to ween to bottles, he fought us on what type of bottle he would take. When we introduced solid food, he balked at that as well. Seemingly ANY time we changed something or did something new, we knew to expect a battle from our firstborn.
Because of this rough start, mothering has not come easy for me. I didn't have that inseparable love-bond that so many mothers experience and enjoy when they spend the first weeks and months getting to know their sweet babies. This is not to say that I didn't or don't love my son; I do. It's just that he has been a trial in patience and long-suffering--to say the least. When he was born, I had visions of tucking him in and reading him stories, of fun park and museum visits, trips to the zoo or adventures around the city. What happened instead were meltdowns and tears, out-of-control screaming and angry protestations. We rarely left the house for the first four years of his life, because he was so out of control. In hindsight, I really should have mentioned these things to his pediatrician, but I didn't know what to expect back then-- I was an only child myself and didn't know what was "normal" for infants and toddlers.
I would see other mothers delight in their children and talk of the wonderful things they were learning and doing together. For me, mothering felt like I was in a long, dark, endless tunnel of which there was no end. The greatest pain came when other mothers would ask whether he was sitting up or crawling yet, whether he had said his first words, if he was feeding himself, whether he was potty-trained yet...like their child was. There were many days that I would get in the car and cry in frustration and bitter disappointment. My child wasn't like other children, and it seemed that no matter how hard I tried to get him to do what others were doing, it really came down to HIM being ready to do those things. It wasn't for me that he did things like learn to crawl or speak-- it was for himself.
I now have a rambunctious and opinionated five-year-old. He hasn't ceased being difficult and challenging-- the challenges just manifest in different ways now. He has mastered sitting up, crawling, walking, feeding himself, potty training, and talking; he just learned to do them on his own time. He is still hard to handle at times when we take him to new places, and while he is curious and asks many questions, he doesn't like school and we often hear that he has problems focusing. While the verbal face-to-face motherhood probing and comparing happens less frequently, the pain of comparisons still stings at times when I read of other mothers gloating online that, "...___ made the honor roll, again! ___ is so smart, just like us!"
It's not that I don't want other children to excel and do well, it's not that at all. It's the fact that all of our mother-hearts are so very fragile when it comes to our children. We want them to be strong, smart, and independent. We want for them to be brilliant, creative, intelligent, and kind. When you see your child falling short of those mother-wishes, it really hurts your heart, and your psyche. While I wholeheartedly advocate celebrating life and accomplishments made, I think we should tread carefully on the way we boast of achievements; not only our children's achievements, but also our own because we just never know who is hurting and struggling just to stay afloat in this game of parenthood and life. I feel we also need to be careful about how we compare our children (and ourselves!) to others, especially when we know so little about another family unit and what it took for an individual to get to this point in life.
In short, let's be kinder to each other. Let us celebrate the joy of living without inadvertently tearing someone down, or making them feel inferior because they haven't mastered something on the world's time table. I know the intention of most people when they brag on their kids isn't to hurt others-- but it can still sting when you have done and are doing all you can. If you are a parent that is struggling, don't despair! Never forget--you are amazing. Your children are amazing. The things we learn in a single day about the world around us is amazing. We never stop learning-- that in itself is phenomenal!
The next time you meet with another parent, leave the comparisons and the boasting out of the conversation. Learn through watching and listening! We have so much to teach each other, if only we would allow ourselves time to slow down and open our hearts and minds. Here's to learning, and meeting the goals we set for OURSELVES in life. I hope you and your children are successful with whatever you/they undertake. Just (please!) be gentle when you announce those accomplishments to the masses. :)
